Unemployed and Extremely Happy

So yeah...i just kind of gave up on this blog. What a shame. A complete shame.

Many things in my life have changed and I wouldn't even know where to begin anymore. I'm still in Manhattan Beach, have the same roommates for another month then Nikki is moving out with her boyfriend. It's been a strained relationship with Nikki for the past 4 months. Weird...

Also, I quit my restaurant job only to get another restaurant job that, believe it or not, I hate even more. In two days, I will be unemployed and 100% happy.

I guess there isn't a more perfect time to restart this blog, because I can fill you in on my unemployment adventures. I am truly excited because I've been a very unhappy person as of late due to hating my job and thinking, "what am i doing with my life?" all the time.

I've got three very cool acting projects coming up within the next month and feel like this is going to be a springboard for my career. I've decided to take April off of acting class and my teacher is quite unhappy. She wrote me a sweet email letting me know she thinks I've grown tremendously since I started (an incredible compliment from her) and she's offering me free coaching to discuss the next steps for my career and my art. Awesome.

So, if you haven't abandoned me as I've abandoned you, please follow along as I take some huge scary steps towards an extremely unstable career. Sometimes you just have to leap with both feet!

Marathon's and Short Films

November 22, 2009.

I've been running hills with Lacey through our lovely Manhattan Beach town. It's brutal, but it feels great! We've decided we're gonna participate in the 5k night run in December. I'm psyched! It's gonna be my first marathon! Woohoo! I've got just under a month to get my endurance ready.

Yesterday, work was pretty slow, blah, but Lacey and I decided we wanted to have a fun random night. Well, fun and random it was! I am now very confused about a friendship turned more with a boy in my life. And...his friend, who I drunkenly made out with at the bar last night and thoroughly enjoyed. Now, I'm torn. Especially since the friend is the shyest boy I've ever dealt with and it has taken him forever and a day to make a move...and all we've done is kiss. I don't deal well with slowness.

Anywho, tonight is my first sunday off in awhile. Usually, I'm at an improv rehearsal or at work. I don't know what to do with myself!!!

Took a bath earlier, that was a first at my new apt. Think i'll do that again!

Tomorrow, I'm also excited about because York and I are starting our process of filming a short film that I wrote. Yay! I'm stoked to see how it turns out! Alright...gonna go watch a pageant with Lacey.

Support your local artists/friends

November 19, 2009.

Not too much to report about today. But I thought I'd share some writing with you that I took off of a friend of mine's blog. He's busy traveling the country, making beautiful music and finding himself. All the while recording his thoughts and wisdom to share with the world...hopefully resulting in an incredible book one day. Here's a passage I thought to be rather profound and lovely:

“to be more specific, my current existence makes the most sense in a crowded bar surrounded by friends (new or old), intoxicated just as much by stories and love as by drinks and with sights set on hope. my goal is to be among intelligent people who like talking about dumb things, among family members who aren’t afraid to explain the dirty/darker parts of their current existence, among strangers who realize that being strange is less fun than being familiar. we are all rats in a gutter or jewels on a crown. we are both, always. it’s your decision, and mine as well, to choose to be great, to be loved, to be important. when you make this choice, you win. i would be crazy to think that i was blessed with the best friends in the world. i know i’ve spoken of it before, but the fact of the matter is that they are in fact amazing, and i am in fact lucky to have them in my life. the question, though, is this a mistake? coincidence? i think that while i’ve done some terrible, horrible, reprehensible things in my life, i’ve also loved with my entire heart, given to as many as i can make sense of and hoped for the best for so many, that i’ve been lucky enough to be given some of that back in return. i also have realized that i deserve this. do you know why? i do because we all do. you do. i do. we all do. every fucking one of us. that’s right. so yes, you’ll hear strings. you’ll hear them tonight and tomorrow and hopefully for the rest of your once fucking miserable but quickly bettering life. you’ll realize that this all becomes big, huge, beautiful, like some delicious piece of naan bread puffed to beautiful perfection for us all to sink our teeth into. someday we’ll all realize that this is all bullshit and that is why it’s all beautiful. it’s not until we lose everything that we can have anything.”

I love this boy...he is a gift to the world! Check out his music on myspace: myspace.com/pjbondmusic. I'm shamelessly promoting him because he's incredible and deserves it. Let me know what you think!

Live Dangerously

November 18, 2009.

Went to my meeting with York today. Tried the Asian Noodle Salad from Aroma Cafe...not worth the 13 dollars. Aroma Cafe to me seems to be a cute place to hang out, and somewhere to go if you wanna be seen or to see celebs, but the food is way overpriced for what you get. Haven't fallen in love with something on the menu from there yet...

Then it was off to class. My scene went up third and I was terrified that my teacher would just watch the scene and say, “Wow, you really haven't rehearsed, it was just as boring as last time.” But, instead she told me I did “Nice work” and that I was “more in touch with [my] sexuality.” Last time I apparently was not sexy...at all. Because, I'm terrified to be sexy. It's been forever since someone has told me that I turn them on, or that I'm hot. Therefore, it's hard for me to view myself in that way. So today before class, I tried on many different outfits, trying to find the “sexy” in me.

I uncovered a shirt that I had forgotten I owned. My scene partner's last bit of advice at our last rehearsal was to find something a “little dangerous”. Well, with this shirt on, “Danger” was my first, middle and last name. So, I discarded my self doubt and went with it. It worked!

Also, I learned during the scene that I really need to start taking more chances! At one point, my scene partner grabbed my by my arm, pushed me against the wall, choked me and threatened me with a screwdriver. Sounds crazy right? Well, yes it was, and completely unexpected, but it's exactly what I needed to get out of myself and into the character!!! Live more dangerously!!!

Thank you scene partner! I'm going to do my best to take as many chances as possible with all my characters. How do you think Charlize Theron got where she is today? Definitely not by playing it safe.

Had to cancel dinner with Todd this evening, again. Lacey and I had promised to take out the photographers who did our headshots for free, for dinner. So tonight was the night. We went to Mama D's, an awesome little Italian place on Manhattan Blvd. There are Christmas lights everywhere as well, which is making me a little homesick, but I shall return home for Christmas so it's all good!

Now, it's almost midnight and I'm exhausted, still getting over my sickness, so I'm going to turn in and get lots of rest. Audition in the afternoon tomorrow – wish me luck! And then it's off to an always interesting evening at the restaurant. Wish me luck again – I need the money!

Going My Way...

November 17, 2009.

So the last time I posted I was busy with go-go dancers. Since five days have passed, many interesting things have gone on.

I worked all last weekend and at work I put into action “The Law of Attraction”. I've been listening to the audio cd in my car. My scene partner gave it to me a week ago and I decided it is definitely a time to change my life for the better and start attracting the things I truly want. Those things being:

1)A great relationship
2)A successful acting career
3)Enough money to live stressfree.

Since listening to the tapes I've been in a much more positive mindset about life in general and four men from my past have all of a sudden re-emerged. I received a call from a director from my past who has a part for me in something new, i'll be filming on the 25th and my money woes seems lesser by the day. The law of attraction seems to be working. However, now I must decide which of these guys I really do still want around.

Coffee with Todd went great. I apologized and told him mostly everything I'd been thinking about the situation. He was pretty honest too, which I greatly appreciated. I did leave feeling even more confused, however. We hugged goodbye, I buried my face in his neck and found that I was the one having a hard time letting go.

He has text me since and we've been trying to set up a dinner date, but plans keep getting foiled. Is this a sign? Eek. Tomorrow is possibly our second attempt at dinner, but now I may be taking out a couple of photographers for dinner because they did free headshots for me and Lacey.

New things I am trying this next month or so: I just broke down and ordered SkinID. I am 25 and an actress and I need clear skin. I've had pimples since I was 12 and I'm so over it. I want to be able to go sans makeup every day and feel completely confident about it. So, here I go with a new skin care regimen. I hope it works! And I'll let you know!

Tomorrow I have my meeting with York and class. I'm psyched for both. York and I are going to start filming soon and I can't wait! I've taken a much too long hiatus from filming. Then in class I'm doing my scene and I'm pumped for it, but have no idea how it's going to turn out, because I've just been internalizing it way too much and haven't had much time to actually put it on it's feet. I love my scene partner, he's become like my life manager...he's been in the business for quite awhile and he's really talented and loves to give advice. I love getting advice. And yesterday when we were rehearsing he told me, “You have it, Irene, you're gonna make it. I've got a little invested in you, so don't disappoint me.” It really inspired me to not disappoint him. I want to be fabulous! I'm going to be fabulous! Just you wait! You'll be seeing me on the big screen!


Hope that didn't come off as pompous, it was meant more as a motivational speech for myself! Alright, more adventures to come soon!

Boystown Glory Days

November 12, 2009.

Well, I made out with a stripper last night. Ok, so he wasn't really a stripper, I guess, more of a gogo dancer.

We went to boystown last night to celebrate Nikki's official name change. She got a divorce a few years back and had yet to file the rest of the papers to change her name back to her maiden. So last night it was official and we got officially F*d up.

It was a blast and I remember putting the dollar bill in the very attractive dancers very tiny speedo, and I remember him getting off the stage/podium, whatever it may be and dancing up close to me and I remember him saying in my ear, “I'm gonna get fired for this” as he grabbed my boob.

But, I don't remember walking out of the club informing every passer by, “Those dancers are not gay! Sorry guys!” and I don't remember peeing outside of Carl's Jr. somewhere...and I don't remember climbing into bed and drunk texting one of my guy friends, trying to get him to come over.

Oh alcohol...how I love and hate you so!

It was a fun night and one tidbit I left out was that I text Todd (for those of you who followed my other blog you'll remember he's the one I sort of had a very confusing relationship with that just ended with no explanation, no follow up and no closure.) Well, I text him, “Sometimes I really miss you.” And I expected absolutely no response. However, this morning I received the response, “I more than 'sometimes' miss you. I dream, talk and wonder all the time 'what if'. We were just so up and down. In different places and mind sets and I don't know...ever since I've just written off trying to find a relationship or someone.”

Um...wow. So, we're meeting up for coffee tonight. I'm looking forward to it, mainly because I need closure and I also would like the opportunity to apologize for the way I treated him. I was pretty bad and he didn't deserve it.

Lacey asked, “What if this makes him want to try and start hanging out again?” And honestly...i don't know. I'm kind of expecting to just know when I see him. I'm not really sure how I'm going to feel. We shall see!

But, I guess that's really a story for my old blog and doesn't belong here...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that making out with go go dancers may be fun in the moment, but the next day...you'll kind of feel stupid for doing it. But then again, live life without regret!!!

Back from a Mental Vacay

November 10, 2009.

I have been so unmotivated to write these days. So basically, it's been pure laziness that has been keeping me from posting.

Well, a few things that are new in my life. I went grocery shopping yesterday and I used a ton of coupons. Over $20 in savings when I was checking out. Why have I never done that before? And how much more money could I have right now, in this moment in time if I had been doing that all along? I'm going to try and be a more efficient shopper from this point forward. Coupons make so much sense! And did you know that you can get Ralph's coupons online and print them right at home with your own printer?

I also recently went onto youtube.com to find new workout videos...I was getting tired of my usual Shred. I can only do it so often without hating it. I found a 4-min workout that is pretty damn good. Now, I know that a 4 min workout will not get me where I want to be, but it will inspire me to workout every day. When I'm not in the mood for a 30 min Shred or for a 40 min run by the beach (who doesn't love to do that?) I'll just get myself to at least do the 4min. And it usually inspires me to find another, longer workout and keep going. I think I'm going to try to do the workout every morning, just as a start to my day. I like it!

Also, my scene partner from acting class just gave me an audio book called, “The Law of Attraction” to help me focus on getting what I want from life in every aspect, not just one part of my life, but every part – relationship, career, family, friends, etc. So, I started listening to it on my way home from rehearsal today and I started incorporating it into my thinking while driving and I made it home from Studio City in about 40min, which during rush hour in L.A. is pretty darn incredible!

So, a few things I'm adding to my way of life: frugal shopping habits, quick, inspiring workouts and positive thinking...

What have you all been up to while I've been MIA? Learned something new about your life? Please share!

Old Fashioned Pumpkin Carvin's

October 28, 2009.

Something new today...I tried a new restaurant out. I went to a little italian pizza place on Tujunga with York today instead of our usual Aroma Cafe. It was decent. I love meeting with York, it's like having a weekly therapy session with a good friend. She's great!

Class was good. Left early, but left inspired as usual. Then headed back to M.B. for some good old fashioned festivities with the roomies. We had an impromptu pumpkin carving party with some friends. Loads of fun. Pumpkins, cupcakes, popcorn and booze. Recipe for lots of laughter and great memories.

I just wish I had a boy to end the night with. But what else is new?

I finally get to sleep in tomorrow. I have the whole day free until rehearsal at 3pm in Pasadena. So, I'm gonna work out for an hour...last day to work out until I go to the premiere and I gotta look like hot shit! And then I'm going out tomorrow night to see a friends show and probably pulling an all nighter until my flight on friday which is at 6am...eek.

This weekend is going to be a true test of survival for me. It's a good thing I don't have a boyfriend, because he would feel very neglected and I would be missing him. Too much going on.

Alright, if you haven't already, go carve some pumpkins!

'This is it'

October 27, 2009.

Went to see “This is It” with Lacey right after work this evening. GO SEE IT. That is all. It was awesome. MJ is incredible. And it will inspire you to dance. Inspire you to love. Inspire you to change the world.

Lacey and I were both incredibly inspired...watch out world, get ready to for a change!

De-Stress at the Movies

October 26, 2009.

Tried to get up early to workout this morning, but found myself awake at 5:30am for no apparent reason, so I tried to go back to bed, then found that I didn't want to rise and shine before 8:30. Still managed to get a quick workout in and a shower and not be late for class in the valley today. That was definitely a miracle.

Class went well, then rehearsal with my scene partner for my wednesday class. I think SAM-e is affecting me because I find myself reacting to certain situations differently than I have in the past. I'm not so quick to tear up. I'm not so defensive. I'm a little bit more open and looser, ready for constructive criticism. It's good.

Today's first for me was going to see a movie to avoid rush hour traffic. I got out of my rehearsal at 4:30pm...just in time for stalled traffic. So, instead of getting a numb foot and a headache from siting in frustrating traffic, I went to see “Law Abiding Citizen” in Sherman Oaks. Man, it was a rough movie to watch. I definitely had to close my eyes at certain moments. But, it was more enjoyable than sitting in unbearable traffic.

When I finally headed back to Manhattan Beach it did take me only 35 min.

Was going to go out tonight with Nikki and Lacey, but Lacey's been feeling sick and wants to rest up before Halloween, understandably, but it was disappointing because it's been way too long since the three of us all went out together. Very sad indeed.

Well, hopefully the rest of the week will go smoothly, there's much to do! I'll keep you posted!

Fast Forward/Rewind...I can't seem to get it right!

October 25, 2009

Argh! 4 days of randomness to catch up on. I'll just mention the highlights:

Proud of myself on Friday...had the day off, worked out for an hour (I never do that!!) it was awesome, my body is still feeling it.

Friday night went out with Lacey and realized that we should never, ever try to hang out with all of our guy friends at once. They need too much attention. We invited three different groups of guys to hang with us and they actually all showed up! Then, one by one, left because we couldn't babysit and let's face it, Lacey and I aren't enough for 6 or more guys...wish we were, but we're just not. It was a fun and random night though and I ended the night with the “Bees Knees” again from last weekend.

Although, now I'm kind of wishing I hadn't because, I actually like him and he's just another guy who doesn't text, call or come over. Great. I needed a new one in my life. But, that's a story for another blog...Moving on.

Saturday night, worked. This morning, worked.

Tonight marked the return of my improv group though and I couldn't be more excited! It's about time! I missed working out my improv muscle. I need to do that more often, we were all very very rusty. But we have a show in about 7 weeks, so we're going full force ahead!

Class in the morn and then rehearsal and whatever else the night may bring. This week is going to be a bit hectic and crazy because I'm trying to cram in a lot of stuff before I go out of town for Friday night and before I get stir crazy on Halloween and then have to pay rent and for two acting classes. Ahhh...this is gonna be a tight month! I can't believe October is nearly over. What is going on?

Is someone fast forwarding our world? Stop it! Slow down a bit, please!!!

Ask and ye shall recieve!

October 21, 2009.

Felt great today! Did two scenes in acting class, felt great about 80% of it. Know I still have far to go, but I definitely feel as though I'm gettin' there!

Stopped by my old work in the valley to sit out the rush hour traffic. Made plans with York to get our reel movin' real soon. Also, spoke to Roni, of Roni B. clothing boutique on Ventura Blvd and asked if she'd be cool with us filming in her store. She said she definitely was as long as we give an establishing shot and spread the word...so word is being spread! I'm so psyched! Ask and ye shall receive!

It's gonna be awesome! The next two months are going to be filled with filming and I couldn't be more happy about it!

Then I had to return to M.B. to go to a meeting at the new restaurant. Ugh. It wasn't as bad as I expected though. Our manager's pretty cool and easy going. I work tomorrow and am happy about it, since I need the money asap.

And, last but not least, of all the good news I got today here comes the kicker...

So, I'm leaving town next friday to go to my movie premiere in Chicago. The director called me today, sounding shocked and confused and after giving me a heart attack that something might be very wrong, he informed me that he had entered the film in a film festival and it won a few awards. One of them being Best Supporting Actress: Moi!!

I was beaming! This is amazing news and could mean so many great things for the film as well as me! I'm not allowed to tell anyone yet, because the director wants to announce this at the premiere as a surprise to all. Including my amazingly loving family that is so willingly coming out to see the movie!

Wow. Great, great day!

Alright, I'm off to watch a movie and pass out! Night!

Driving across L.A.

October 20, 2009.

Another exhausting day of driving around L.A. Two rehearsals, one in NoHo, one in Beverly Hills and then finally down to Santa Monica for my audition.

Rehearsals went well. Audition went ok. It was just kind of a strange audition and there was another actress auditioning along with me who kind of just rambled on about a bad scene in the script and I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible and leave on a good note, but, yeah, anywho, it was kind of awkward.

Took myself to lunch before my audition, treated myself to a glass of wine, half a salad and dessert. I felt spoiled.

I got home around 4:30 and was just plain pooped. I did end up buying a pack of SAM-e today, and took my first pill. So...we shall see! I can't imagine what it feels like to be normal. Will I even notice a change? Today I definitely felt my cloud of sadness. It gave me a headache all day long. And it almost put me in tears when both my roommates were MIA due to being out with boys.

I was supposed to go see some stand-up this evening with my roomies and whoever else wanted to join, but pretty much everyone ditched, even though they originally said they were going. I was kind of annoyed by this, especially by Nikki, who doesn't hang out with us anymore. She's too busy with her boy, even thought before he came into her life she was all, “my girls come first...”. Well, Nikki, it's been about a month since we hung out and we're roommates. How does that happen?

Anywho, just spent the rest of my evening on the couch. It was needed. I have class tomorrow and am actually kind of nervous about it. I forget that acting is fun and I view it more technically than I should and get all sorts of freaked out. I have a really fun scene to do tomorrow and I just know I'm going to over think it and make it technical and BORING. God, Irene!!! Just let go!!!!!!!!! Have fun!!!!!!!!! Love what you do!!!!!!!!

Ok, sorry, I need to scold myself real quick for a moment.

Alright, it's only 10pm and I think I'm actually off to bed. I'm just plain tired and I actually get to sleep in a little tomorrow, so if I go to bed now and sleep a good long time, then I'll still be up fairly early.

Buenos Noches!

SAM-e

October 18, 2009

Well, I made it to every single appointment/commitment I had scheduled today. I felt accomplished. And also very sad.

My audition tomorrow is for a cheesy slasher film and I really want to get it, only because it pays and it's a lead, so I'd get tons of experience and pay for doing what I love, even if the movie isn't going anywhere. So, I worked on it this morning in my auditioning class. There's a part where I'm supposed to be pretty upset and start crying and my teacher totally got me to a point where I was about to cry and then told me, “You're scared to go there.”

I am. I'm super scared to go there. I just feel like I've spent so much of my life being sad that I hate doing scenes where I have to cry because I don't want to spend another moment of my life crying. But, I need to totally go there and use it to my advantage.

Then I had private coaching later this afternoon with my other teacher and she didn't say I needed to actually work up the tears. She actually went about the work very different than my first teacher. Which I appreciate, because it gives me a couple different ways to play the scene. However, she likes to dig real deep into peoples real lives, only then she feels like she gets her students and knows where to take them and their work.

She looks right into me and always makes me cry. It was like I was at a therapy sessions divulging things I didn't even know I felt. For example (I'll share a bit with you all), I feel resentful because my dad passed away when I was 17 and most of his life he was a very sad man. I loved my father very much and all I wanted was to see him experience life how he wanted to. I just wanted him to be happy. Well, my mother asked for a divorce right before he passed and as soon as they were separated she was already dating other people. Now, eight years later, she's remarried and living with a man who takes pride in how thin his wife is.

Back story. My father was always obese. He died because of it. Now, I have a stepfather who is obsessed with the fact that my mom weighs 105 lbs (this is not an exaggeration) and freaks out if she gains as much as three pounds. This has made my mother neurotic about being thin. After years of being on the South Beach Diet, she now is on Weight Watchers.

Well, in my “therapy” session today, I learned that I think I'm very angry at this warped situation. Here my father is completely gone from my life because of his weight and my mom is now with a man who cares way too much about her weight. All of this makes me feel really bad about myself.

My teacher thinks/knows I'm depressed. I have been for most my life. I've just never wanted it diagnosed I guess because then it becomes something I have to medicate. I try so hard, every day to conceal my sadness, but apparently it's really affecting my acting work and my social life in a negative way. So, it's time I took a stand and said, “No more!”

I'm going tomorrow to buy SAM-e. It's a natural way of fighting off depression. Hopefully within a week I'll notice a change in my mood. Maybe I'll be a more bubbly person. Someone people will be drawn to. We shall see.

Now, I have to use my deep, dark sadness tomorrow during my audition and hope it doesn't ruin my mood for the rest of the day. I better nail this freaking part! Argh!!!!

Natural High

October 18th, 2009.

I already broke my promise of being more responsible at blogging every day. Eek. This weekend I have a good excuse though. I've been working crazy hours due to the fact that half of our staff has been out of town for the entire week. So there!

Last night, however, I did something out of my norm. I went to a bar by myself. My partner in crime, Lacey, is still out of town and my other partner in crime, Nikki hasn't been feeling well. But, I was in the mood to be social! So, I had received a text from one of the many Aussie's I've met since moving here, informing me that he was out with people at Shellback's. And to Shellback's I went!

I had such a good time and believe it or not, I ran into a lot of people I knew. God, this is such a small town. But the Aussie and his crew were all there and for some reason, I just felt this glow about me and apparently the men noticed it too, because I was being complimented right and left. And luck would have it that a guy, who I've met before and think is the bees knees was there and we were just drawn to eachother all night...and into the morning.

Don't worry, I'm still a “virgin” (44 days and going strong...will I make it to 50?), but I did get some pretty great kisses last night (and into the morning). And to top it off, I think this guy is a millionaire. No joke. Not that that's important to me, but it would definitely be something new and exciting to deal with.

That's all the details I'm giving for now, because 1) I don't want to get my hopes up...and 2) I don't want to jinx anything.

Worked all day today, then came home and have been prepping for an upcoming audition. I have my day crammed full of acting tomorrow and I couldn't be more stoked. Rehearsal #1 at 9am in Studio City, Acting Class at 11am in NoHo, Private Coaching in prep for my audition at 3pm, then Rehearsal #2 at 6pm in Echo Park. Love it! I'm going to be creatively exhausted tomorrow night and feel glorious!

I seriously get a high from acting and studying my acting. I should be sleeping but I'm wound from preparing my many scenes. I love this feeling.

What gives you a natural high?? Go spend an hour doing it! No pun intended...

I'm likeable!

October 16, 2009

I've just exploded with too many things to do these days! I can't seem to keep much straight.

Yesterday, I worked all day long and then sat with Nikki while she did the late night at the restaurant. I went to bed feeling kind of lame about myself again last night.

This morning I got up, not nearly as early as I should've. I had to be in Studio City by 11am and didn't leave M.B. until 10:30am. And it's friday, so traffic was horrendous! I had to cancel the rehearsal I had for class. But, I did manage to make it to my audition all the way up in Santa Clarita on time.

Don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think I blew the audition out of the water...we shall see! It was my first audition with my new haircut, so if I do perchance get it, I'm taking it as a very good sign!

I decided today that I no longer go on auditions. I get cast. I get the part. I film. Every day. If possible. I'm on a serious mission.

And on the drive home, in the two hours it took me sitting in traffic, I realized that I've been really shitty to myself and the people around me. I need to start liking me more. And, when I got to work, I put that thought into action and guess what??? I got the best tips I've ever gotten to date. And, none of my tables had complaints. None of them seemed snobby to me. And you know why I think it was? Because I liked me!!! I enjoyed being me! I thought my hair looked cute, I looked cute, I was fun and witty and likeable. Where has that girl been the past few weeks??? She really went into hiding. Well, she's back and she's not going anywhere for awhile.

Gotta hit the hay, I have an early rehearsal tomorrow then another long day at work. Blah! I won't miss another day of blogging...i, er, um, sort of promise...

Friendships are two sided

October 14, 2009.

Today I learned that a) I need to become more confident despite my short hair and b) I need to be a better friend to people despite living way down far yonder.

Got up and worked out this morning (yay shred!) It's my goal to look stunning by Oct. 30th for my movie premiere as well as for the audition I have on Oct. 31st, where I need to be a hottie that walks into a bar and makes every man drool. Right...well, at least I'll feel really good about my body in a couple weeks.

I had class at 2pm. Sadly no business meeting with York this week, she's out of town for a wedding. But, I did set up plans for new headshots, thanks to my scene partner who's trying to build her photography portfolio. And a private coaching with my teacher, which will cost me a fortune, but I have an audition on tuesday for a feature and I'm ready to start booking roles rather than just auditioning for them. I'm ready!!! So, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to kick some ass, even if it means I'm breaking the bank to do it!

After class, I did some therapy shopping. Bought some cute clothes that will hopefully distract people from my hair...or at least make me feel like I look cute.

Then I made a play date with Adain. We always randomly text one another and have randomly hooked up in the past (almost on labor day), but we are friends nonetheless, so I figured, while I'm in the valley, I might as well put in some time with old friends, such as Adain.

We went to go see 'The Invention of Lying'. It was a decent movie. It was kind of funny because the whole premise is about a world where everyone tells the truth and if that were the case in our world, I kept thinking, what would I really be saying to Adain right now?

“I don't really know why I asked you to come to the movies with me tonight. Maybe it was because I was considering having sex with you to make me feel better after chopping off my beautiful sexy hair, leaving me feeling unattractive and unconfident, but now that we're hanging out, I'm reminded of all the things that irritate me about you and we are definitely not going to have sex tonight. So now I feel a little awkward sitting in this theater with you, wondering what you're expecting or thinking is going to happen tonight.”

That probably wouldn't have gone over so well, huh?

Well, I am glad I met up with him. It's important I do things with other people every once in awhile, so that my roomies aren't my only source of socialization. Maybe every Wednesday if I'm not working, I'll make a habit out of visiting a friend from the valley. That would be fun!

Came home to an empty apartment, Nikki was dropping Lacey off at the airport. She's gonna be gone for the rest of the week. I don't know what I'm gonna do without her! We've been bosom buddies since moving in. Nikki's been a little anti-social. So maybe this will get Nikki to come out of her room a bit more and we can have some bonding time while Lacey's away.

Have to work tomorrow, but I'm getting up at decent time and getting my sweat on! No more excuses from this girl! I'm doing it full out (at least until the 30th)!

Go call a friend!

Found $20

October 13, 2009.

Found $20 on my run today. This is what I did with it:

Bought medicine for my roomie $3.99
Gatorade and Water for me and Lacey after our run $4
Donated $5 to Breast Cancer (plus change)
Bought sun-dried tomatoe spread for Lacey and I at the Farmer's Market $7

Then, the guy at the market was super nice and thought I was cute, so he threw in extra stuff with our purchase. Karma.

This day turned out to be great.

My favorite part? Lacey and I went on a 4mi run and on the way home, instead of running we pumped up our ipods and danced the entire way. People were scared. We were happy. Break away from the norm more often! Do something unexpected! Your happiness will be rewarded!

What would you do with a free $20?

Turkey Artichoke

October 13, 2009.

Alright, alright, so yes I was being melodramatic the other day. I just hated the thought of not having my hair back until next summer!

I actually got up yesterday for class and did my bangs and did my hair (then decided to pull it back into the worlds smallest ponytail) and I got quite a few compliment from my classmates at class and then at rehearsal after, so it made me a bit more hopeful. My biggest problem right now though is just my headshots and that may not even be much of a problem for too much longer. My acting class partner said she'd take pictures for me. Perfect!

I just need a few to get by until my hair grows out. Then I can go back to the old ones, if I still like the message they're sending.

Yesterday put me in a better mood. Still, it will be a challenging month. Went to see 'Zombieland' with Lacey last night. Good movie, go see it! Emma Stone is my new hero and I want to be her. She always plays awesome roles that I could totally do. And she's cute but she's no “Hollywood hottie”, she just manages to make her career on her talent. Like everyone should.

For new things I tried yesterday, I tried a new sandwich at Panera. Gross. Turkey Artichoke. Never again.

And as for last night we invited a guy to come over and chill with us that we had met at the restaurant the other night when I was working the late night. He's super fun and super adorable. Nikki keeps telling us that one of us needs to “claim” him. I keep telling her that I don't want to because we need some guy friends that are just friends. And personally I feel that if one of us “claims” him and we jump into something and it doesn't work out, well there goes a potential really great friend. If something's meant to be between him and one of us (God, I hate that Lacey and I are so alike) then it will develop over time and be ten times more meaningful than if we just “bed him” now.

I'm over jumping in. I'm ready to take my sweet time. I want a boyfriend, not a plaything.

Well, we had a lot of fun last night with a bottle of wine and a few rounds of “Apples to Apples”. Hope we do that again soon.

Today, I have the day off, but I am doing a couple of rehearsals for acting class as well as my female quartet. So, it will be a creatively fulfilling day. I should definitely work out somewhere in there as well. I was hoping for a dance class in this area, but damn this is a small town with very few choices.

Alright...onward and upward and don't get the Turkey Artichoke Sandwich from Panera.

I'm ugly.

October 11, 2009.

I'm officially the ugly friend. I feel like I've lost all my sexuality and power and I just want to hide under a rock and not come out until my hair has grown back.

I've been depressed all day. I can't stand my hair. I don't know how I'm supposed to have any self-esteem at all when I look in the mirror and see myself. Now, I'm not only uninteresting, but I'm unattractive.

Ok, sure, I'm being a bit dramatic, but I don't know what else to do. This is just no good. It's going to take months for my hair to grow back and my bangs to grow out. So, I've got months of low self-esteem to look forward to. Hoorah. If I thought getting a boyfriend was hard before, just wait.

This completely and utterly sucks. I have to go to acting class tomorrow and play a character that is powerful and sexy and all I can think to do is hide under a hat and cry. I don't think I'm even allowed to wear a hat in class tomorrow, so now I'm really screwed. I just want to stay home.

It's really that bad. I just don't want to go anywhere until my hair grows back. I'm uber, uber depressed.

Just went out with Lacey tonight and of course we thought all the same guys were hot and of course not any of them were interested in me. She was even being rather tame this evening and not forcing herself on any of them, and yet, they still end up asking for her number, not mine. I am the ugly, uninteresting friend. Awesome.

I'm going to try to get up tomorrow and work out and turn my negative attitude into a more constructive positive one, it's just so freaking hard when you live with a model who has a steady relationship, and a girl who's almost just like you in every way and gets all the guys your attracted to without even trying. I hate that I feel like I need a man in my life to reaffirm my value, but right now, that's what I need. It's been too long since I've had someone tell me I was beautiful or want to kiss and hold me. It's been forever.

I hate feeling worthless. That's how I feel right now. It's the worst. I need to go to bed. Goodnight.