De-Stress at the Movies

October 26, 2009.

Tried to get up early to workout this morning, but found myself awake at 5:30am for no apparent reason, so I tried to go back to bed, then found that I didn't want to rise and shine before 8:30. Still managed to get a quick workout in and a shower and not be late for class in the valley today. That was definitely a miracle.

Class went well, then rehearsal with my scene partner for my wednesday class. I think SAM-e is affecting me because I find myself reacting to certain situations differently than I have in the past. I'm not so quick to tear up. I'm not so defensive. I'm a little bit more open and looser, ready for constructive criticism. It's good.

Today's first for me was going to see a movie to avoid rush hour traffic. I got out of my rehearsal at 4:30pm...just in time for stalled traffic. So, instead of getting a numb foot and a headache from siting in frustrating traffic, I went to see “Law Abiding Citizen” in Sherman Oaks. Man, it was a rough movie to watch. I definitely had to close my eyes at certain moments. But, it was more enjoyable than sitting in unbearable traffic.

When I finally headed back to Manhattan Beach it did take me only 35 min.

Was going to go out tonight with Nikki and Lacey, but Lacey's been feeling sick and wants to rest up before Halloween, understandably, but it was disappointing because it's been way too long since the three of us all went out together. Very sad indeed.

Well, hopefully the rest of the week will go smoothly, there's much to do! I'll keep you posted!

Driving across L.A.

October 20, 2009.

Another exhausting day of driving around L.A. Two rehearsals, one in NoHo, one in Beverly Hills and then finally down to Santa Monica for my audition.

Rehearsals went well. Audition went ok. It was just kind of a strange audition and there was another actress auditioning along with me who kind of just rambled on about a bad scene in the script and I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible and leave on a good note, but, yeah, anywho, it was kind of awkward.

Took myself to lunch before my audition, treated myself to a glass of wine, half a salad and dessert. I felt spoiled.

I got home around 4:30 and was just plain pooped. I did end up buying a pack of SAM-e today, and took my first pill. So...we shall see! I can't imagine what it feels like to be normal. Will I even notice a change? Today I definitely felt my cloud of sadness. It gave me a headache all day long. And it almost put me in tears when both my roommates were MIA due to being out with boys.

I was supposed to go see some stand-up this evening with my roomies and whoever else wanted to join, but pretty much everyone ditched, even though they originally said they were going. I was kind of annoyed by this, especially by Nikki, who doesn't hang out with us anymore. She's too busy with her boy, even thought before he came into her life she was all, “my girls come first...”. Well, Nikki, it's been about a month since we hung out and we're roommates. How does that happen?

Anywho, just spent the rest of my evening on the couch. It was needed. I have class tomorrow and am actually kind of nervous about it. I forget that acting is fun and I view it more technically than I should and get all sorts of freaked out. I have a really fun scene to do tomorrow and I just know I'm going to over think it and make it technical and BORING. God, Irene!!! Just let go!!!!!!!!! Have fun!!!!!!!!! Love what you do!!!!!!!!

Ok, sorry, I need to scold myself real quick for a moment.

Alright, it's only 10pm and I think I'm actually off to bed. I'm just plain tired and I actually get to sleep in a little tomorrow, so if I go to bed now and sleep a good long time, then I'll still be up fairly early.

Buenos Noches!

SAM-e

October 18, 2009

Well, I made it to every single appointment/commitment I had scheduled today. I felt accomplished. And also very sad.

My audition tomorrow is for a cheesy slasher film and I really want to get it, only because it pays and it's a lead, so I'd get tons of experience and pay for doing what I love, even if the movie isn't going anywhere. So, I worked on it this morning in my auditioning class. There's a part where I'm supposed to be pretty upset and start crying and my teacher totally got me to a point where I was about to cry and then told me, “You're scared to go there.”

I am. I'm super scared to go there. I just feel like I've spent so much of my life being sad that I hate doing scenes where I have to cry because I don't want to spend another moment of my life crying. But, I need to totally go there and use it to my advantage.

Then I had private coaching later this afternoon with my other teacher and she didn't say I needed to actually work up the tears. She actually went about the work very different than my first teacher. Which I appreciate, because it gives me a couple different ways to play the scene. However, she likes to dig real deep into peoples real lives, only then she feels like she gets her students and knows where to take them and their work.

She looks right into me and always makes me cry. It was like I was at a therapy sessions divulging things I didn't even know I felt. For example (I'll share a bit with you all), I feel resentful because my dad passed away when I was 17 and most of his life he was a very sad man. I loved my father very much and all I wanted was to see him experience life how he wanted to. I just wanted him to be happy. Well, my mother asked for a divorce right before he passed and as soon as they were separated she was already dating other people. Now, eight years later, she's remarried and living with a man who takes pride in how thin his wife is.

Back story. My father was always obese. He died because of it. Now, I have a stepfather who is obsessed with the fact that my mom weighs 105 lbs (this is not an exaggeration) and freaks out if she gains as much as three pounds. This has made my mother neurotic about being thin. After years of being on the South Beach Diet, she now is on Weight Watchers.

Well, in my “therapy” session today, I learned that I think I'm very angry at this warped situation. Here my father is completely gone from my life because of his weight and my mom is now with a man who cares way too much about her weight. All of this makes me feel really bad about myself.

My teacher thinks/knows I'm depressed. I have been for most my life. I've just never wanted it diagnosed I guess because then it becomes something I have to medicate. I try so hard, every day to conceal my sadness, but apparently it's really affecting my acting work and my social life in a negative way. So, it's time I took a stand and said, “No more!”

I'm going tomorrow to buy SAM-e. It's a natural way of fighting off depression. Hopefully within a week I'll notice a change in my mood. Maybe I'll be a more bubbly person. Someone people will be drawn to. We shall see.

Now, I have to use my deep, dark sadness tomorrow during my audition and hope it doesn't ruin my mood for the rest of the day. I better nail this freaking part! Argh!!!!