SAM-e

October 18, 2009

Well, I made it to every single appointment/commitment I had scheduled today. I felt accomplished. And also very sad.

My audition tomorrow is for a cheesy slasher film and I really want to get it, only because it pays and it's a lead, so I'd get tons of experience and pay for doing what I love, even if the movie isn't going anywhere. So, I worked on it this morning in my auditioning class. There's a part where I'm supposed to be pretty upset and start crying and my teacher totally got me to a point where I was about to cry and then told me, “You're scared to go there.”

I am. I'm super scared to go there. I just feel like I've spent so much of my life being sad that I hate doing scenes where I have to cry because I don't want to spend another moment of my life crying. But, I need to totally go there and use it to my advantage.

Then I had private coaching later this afternoon with my other teacher and she didn't say I needed to actually work up the tears. She actually went about the work very different than my first teacher. Which I appreciate, because it gives me a couple different ways to play the scene. However, she likes to dig real deep into peoples real lives, only then she feels like she gets her students and knows where to take them and their work.

She looks right into me and always makes me cry. It was like I was at a therapy sessions divulging things I didn't even know I felt. For example (I'll share a bit with you all), I feel resentful because my dad passed away when I was 17 and most of his life he was a very sad man. I loved my father very much and all I wanted was to see him experience life how he wanted to. I just wanted him to be happy. Well, my mother asked for a divorce right before he passed and as soon as they were separated she was already dating other people. Now, eight years later, she's remarried and living with a man who takes pride in how thin his wife is.

Back story. My father was always obese. He died because of it. Now, I have a stepfather who is obsessed with the fact that my mom weighs 105 lbs (this is not an exaggeration) and freaks out if she gains as much as three pounds. This has made my mother neurotic about being thin. After years of being on the South Beach Diet, she now is on Weight Watchers.

Well, in my “therapy” session today, I learned that I think I'm very angry at this warped situation. Here my father is completely gone from my life because of his weight and my mom is now with a man who cares way too much about her weight. All of this makes me feel really bad about myself.

My teacher thinks/knows I'm depressed. I have been for most my life. I've just never wanted it diagnosed I guess because then it becomes something I have to medicate. I try so hard, every day to conceal my sadness, but apparently it's really affecting my acting work and my social life in a negative way. So, it's time I took a stand and said, “No more!”

I'm going tomorrow to buy SAM-e. It's a natural way of fighting off depression. Hopefully within a week I'll notice a change in my mood. Maybe I'll be a more bubbly person. Someone people will be drawn to. We shall see.

Now, I have to use my deep, dark sadness tomorrow during my audition and hope it doesn't ruin my mood for the rest of the day. I better nail this freaking part! Argh!!!!