Silhouette of a Surfer....

September 30, 2009.

Today, I was overwhelmed by the silhouette of a surfer gliding across the dark waves that crashed onto the beach underneath the orange sky that was waving farewell to another day. It was breathtaking.

I went for a run when I got back from class before the sky went completely black. I ran to the pier and back and then had the urge to run in the sand. I took my sneakers off, put my feet in the cool sand and went to the swing set. I swung as I watched the sun sink low and listened to Norah Jones on my ipod. It was awesome. Then I walked closer to the water.

There is a Tsunami warning right now for the west coast and it is making the waves do this incredible dance which the surf population down here just can't resist. I need a board.

Then, I sprinted back across the beach to my street and danced my way up to my apartment, bare feet and all. This is the life. I feel lucky.

Money is Happiness Limited.

September 27, 2009.

Another random Manhattan Beach night...worked 5pm to close tonight. It was quite crazy. Made some more money. Realized there comes a point when you just don't want any more money...at least, I get to that point. I'm done, thank you! I have enough. At least for a few days.

Went out with the roomies and honorary roomie (Nikki's boy) after work. Got some grub and some drinks. Learned that carrots and bbq sauce make an awesome combination. Delicious...you should try it!

Then, I had told the Aussie that I would meet him and his crew out at Poncho's for karaoke. I wasn't really feelin' it, but Lacey agreed to join, so we went. We got there right at last call. I realized, unfortunately, that I'm really not attracted to the Aussie, but his friend Peter...wow. Way cute. Of course, Lacey thought so, too. But, I did notice that after I told her that I thought he was cute, she didn't seem to “try” to get his attention. I appreciate that.

But, I was the “taken” one on the arm of the Aussie, so I did notice that Peter kept eyeing Lacey. She was the single girl there.

Anywho, we had a really fun evening with some really great people unexpectedly. I learned today also that it's good to go outside of my comfort zone. I need to do that more often. I'm glad we went.

Tomorrow I don't have to work (thank god!!!) but I have two rehearsals. Which I'm looking forward to because it will remind me what I'm really here to do. So glad I won't be serving up ribs with a side of corn and cornbread today! Ugh!

Go after what makes you happy and forget about money! It can only make you happy to a point!

Walk of...shame-less-ness?

August 26, 2009.

Wow, I didn't realize I had missed so many days! Well, I don't have too much to report. I've basically spent the majority of the past three days working nonstop. Which is awesome, because 1)I'll be able to afford rent in a week and 2)well...I'll be able to afford rent in a week.

The new restaurant opened and I've been there the past three days. It's been fun, stressful, annoying, hard, easier, a whole compilation of things. But overall, I think I'm gonna like it.

Last night was another one for the books. Lacey and I worked till about 11pm, then decided that despite our exhaustion, we were still gonna make the most of the night (being Friday and all) and go out somewhere.

We were hanging outside of the restaurant, having a beer and a smoke when a car pulled up and these guys got out and just sat down with us. We all pretended to know one another being goofy, saying, “There you are! We were wondering if you were gonna show up! We were worried you had stood us up!” And they were super fun and played along. So we decided that after we went home to change, we'd give 'em a call and meet up with them.

Now, here in lies the problem. Lacey and I have pretty much the exact same taste in guys. It sucks. So, after we had met those guys, Lacey goes, “Ooh, Jeremy...” and I knew we were thinking the same thing. I do not compete for guys. I repeat, I do not compete for guys. Especially with a friend. So, that's the moment I knew she was going to make out with Jeremy that night and I was gonna be stuck with the others. Bummer.

Well, we ran home to change and then headed to “downtown” Manhattan Beach. We didn't even make it into a bar before we ran into yet another group of friendly people. Mostly Australian and they convinced us to join them at Shelback, the bar they were heading to. Perfect. So, we tagged along with them, meanwhile, one of the guys and I kept joking about getting married so that he could get his green card.

Now, I hate how my drunken mind works. Long story short, we had a great time at the bar, we met a lot of people (as usual, I don't know how we do it!) and made some new friends. Jeremy and his friends found us there around closing time, so we were all gonna go hang out somewhere. Well, I hadn't (at least I thought I hadn't) totally lost my chance with him yet, so I was up for hanging. We were rounding everyone up and I turned around and saw Lacey and Jeremy making out.

When I'm drunk and unhappy, my defense mechanism is to just go. I don't care where, just as far from where I am at that moment as possible. So, I grabbed the Aussie's hand and we headed back to his friends where he's staying. He doesn't live here, he's just visiting.

Lacey and I had promised not to separate, especially since I didn't have my phone on me, but my drunken mind just couldn't stand the thought of watching her and Jeremy be all over eachother all night.

Ok, well, this post will be way too long if I go into much detail, so I'll try to keep it short.

I really wasn't attracted to the Aussie, but he was the solution to my problem at the moment. He was super nice, such a gentlemen (believe it or not). We went back to the house, it was ridiculous...i didn't know people really lived in places like this...wish I had gotten some pics. We sat out on the deck and chatted, hung out with his “roomies”, then decided it was time for bed. I just assumed we'd be having sex. Because, I had let it get this far as to come over, make out a little and presume to be spending the night. And I really wasn't interested in having sex with him, but I just didn't have a great reason not to. Sounds horrible, because it is.

Well, I climbed in bed, we made out, and he said, “I don't think we should tonight. It doesn't feel right.”

WHATT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Yup, he's the one that didn't want to have sex. Amazing. So, we cuddled. Yup, we cuddled and this morning when I got up I did the “walk of non-shame” back to my apartment.

He seriously was just such a gentleman and now I wish I was more attracted to him. Why don't I ever like the nice ones??

Ugh, well this was totally a post that should've been in my other blog, but I still had to share.

Today I worked a double. My feet are killing me, I feel fat and my skin is breaking out. But....I get to sleep as late as I desire tomorrow morning. Or at least until my downstairs neighbors decided to have a party at 6:30am, like they did the other day...seriously.

Something I learned today: I've thought about it and I really don't want a boyfriend right now. I'm super single and I kind of want to stay that way.

Cowabunga dudes!!

Sat-is-fac-tion

September 23, 2009.

Today was wonderful! I got up early, had some breakfast, watched “Regis and Kelly”, which I haven't done in years! Then I headed for the valley and my second meeting with York. It really inspired me!

Last night before bed, I re-read a play that I had written while living in NYC and it inspired me to write some more. I'm going to use a scene from the play as part of my reel with York, which is pretty damn cool if you think about it. I wrote it and am going to not only have it be videotaped, but get to perform one of the characters.

Well, anywho, I was extremely inspired and also wrote a monologue, which led me to an idea for a movie script a la 'Best in Show', mocumentary style. I just feel like my creative juices are flowing and I feel like in the next two months, I am going to accomplish more than I thought possible.

After our meeting, which left me beaming, I headed to class. Now, earlier this morning, I was dreading the thought of performing my scene in class today, but then I just kept going over it in my head, thinking, “Why the hell not?” So, me and my scene partner decided to go for it! Dare to fail gloriously!

That is what we did, except we didn't quite fail. Our teacher said, “Really nice work.” Which is what she says only when she feels you put the effort and rehearsal time in and made bold choices.

Yay!! I'm very proud of us! It felt great to go up there and shine, even just for a moment. Then it was back to the nit picking and telling us what we did wrong and how we need to go about fixing it. But, she was still very happy with us, which was all we were looking for. Validation from our teacher.

Then, still on a high from acting class and a great meeting with York, I headed to work in the Oaks. It was fairly dead, but I was determined to make some dough. I put all my positive energy into making money tonight and although I didn't make the most I've ever made on a wednesday night, I still made enough to purchase some groceries.

Now, I have milk, bacon, eggs and waffles and I'm a happy camper.

I just feel so creatively fulfilled tonight and I hope that I'm able to sleep, but I do want to let all my ideas flow so that I don't forget anything important before I go to bed!

I work tomorrow at the new restaurant, which I'm pretty darn tootin' psyched for. How wonderful to not have to drive my car all the way up to the valley, but just take a short five minute walk down the street and make some moolah. Pretty Sweet.

Damn. Life is good. I'm really happy. I hope I always can remember what it feels like to be satisfied with life. This is it.

Romeo, no romeo...

September 22, 2009.

What was new and exciting about today? Well, I learned a very valuable lesson about being honest with my sexual partners...one of my friends had a pretty bad STD scare and it kind of was a huge wake up call for me to ask lots and lots of questions and maybe even request paperwork before jumping into bed with Romeo.

But, thank God, after two short hours at Planned Parenthood, it turned out to be nothing more than a strange allergic reaction. We did a victory dance in the hallway of the clinic and vowed to be better to our bodies.

Walked to the Farmer's Market with Lacey when I got home and bought some most amazing tzatziki and some bruschetta and feta and sun dried tomatoes. Delicious!

Rehearsed my scene for class today. My lovely scene partner came all the way out here to rehearse with me. So nice of her! I wasn't planning on ever making anyone come all this way. I feel like we had a rather productive rehearsal, but am not sure if I feel ready to perform tomorrow in class. I really wanna blow my teacher away, I'm just not quite sure how to!

But, I'm trying!!

I feel as though I accomplished a lot today. I wrote a list out last night and I crossed off pretty much every thing except the last item, which was: Write Something Magical.

Well, that was a pretty big to do on my to do list, so naturally it hasn't gotten done yet, but I did my laundry and went for a run...that has to count for something!

I always feel somewhat unsettled with down time. I'm never quite sure what to do with it. I always try to be uber productive, but somehow end up feeling bored and lazy.

Tomorrow is the start of my out of control life that is going to be a bit nuts for the next month, maybe two. The new restaurant opens tomorrow and this next week, I'm working ever single day either down here in M.B. or up in the Oaks, as well as class on Wednesday and possibly another class on Tuesday nights in October, then rehearsals for class, readings for class, making my reel with York, writing, rehearsals for my quartet start next week, possibly re-starting rehearsals for my improv troupe...

um can we say exhaustion by the end of the year??? I'll be lucky if I have anything left by the new year!

And maybe...time for a boyfriend in there somewhere? Ha! Who'm I kidding! People don't date out here! I haven't found a solid relationship all year, what makes me think there may be one around the corner?

I guess this was how things were meant to be. If I weren't single, I'd probably have to be after this month, because I'd have no time to spend with my lovey dovey. Sorry Romeo, go get tested for STD's and by the time you get your results and all your remedies, maybe, just maybe I'll be able to catch a movie with you!

Get Busy!

Follow Your Impulses.

September 21, 2009.

Hmm....something I did today that was new and exciting. Well, I auditioned for a reality matchmaking show. Which one? Well, I'm not at liberty to say, but I have high hopes that I might find my soulmate!

I also thought about, (and should have followed through) giving my number to the guy in the car behind me at the McDonald's drive through. I think next time I will do this. McDonald's was just too damn fast and didn't give me enough time to get my number written down. My solution? Business Cards. Done.

Alright, well, yesterday was Sunday and my mom got her homework assignment in on time. I neglected to meet the deadline and got my writing in this morning, but I still wrote...something. I'll post an excerpt from my mom's, it's a fun read:

Facebook Hippies.

“Baby Boomers have taken to Facebook like hippies to weed. They like to use it and like to share it with a group of friends. It is a frequent pastime, and nearly an addiction to many that are mid-, even post-, middle age. What’s the need being filled by Facebook for this group?

When life is closer to the end than the beginning, looking back is a natural thing to do. We are taking an assessment of where we are, how closely we’ve achieved the goals and dreams of our youth, and how we compare with other people.  Before Facebook, comparisons were limited to the friends, family, and former neighbors and classmates with whom we’d stayed in touch or had run into at the class reunion.  It was one of the main reasons to go to your class reunion. “See what’s become of” your old boyfriend, the class clown, and that girl whose family moved away the week after graduation. Look around and see who has aged more rapidly than you have, and be sure to take the camera!  Another important reason to get yourself to a reunion every 5 or 10 years was to brag. Show off your still-youthful figure. Introduce your handsome husband and break out the pictures of your adorable children.  Find a way to bring up your offspring’s accomplishments, awards, brilliance, and amazingly cute quips. Answer the question “What are you doing now?” with feigned humility as you puff up your résumé a bit (or a lot).  The traditional class reunion has always filled a real need in the hearts and minds of Americans as they emotionally process the decades passing.”

Let me know what you think and I promise, when I start writing things that I'm more proud to share I will share them! Mark my words!

Off to Santa Monica this evening to see one of the lovely ladies I'm in a quartet with, perform at a local bar. Lacey's joining me. I'm looking forward to it! For once, I'm going out to support a female friend, rather than going out to potentially get laid. Nice change of pace...

Be Bold.

September 20, 2009.

I'm taking a cue from my roomie, Lacey and being more adventurous with my phone. I'm getting braver at answering numbers and calling people that before, I would just ignore.

Do you have an irrational fear of the telephone like I do? I don't where it stems from, but since childhood I've always been a bit weird with the phone. I'm just not a phone person. I can have great conversations with almost anyone, face to face, but when it comes to the phone, my heart starts pounding, my palms get sweaty and most often I take the easy way out by ignoring it.

Today though, I answered a call from a guy we had met a few weeks ago at a bar down here in Manhattan. He was very sweet and him and his friend had invited the three of us to join them the next time they head down to the Standard in Downtown. So, we exchanged numbers in hope of hanging out again. He called a few days after and I was working so I didn't get the call. I decided about a week later that I wanted him to know it had been an accident that I missed his call, so that he wouldn't think i'm just “one of those girls”. This time, I got his voice mail.

Today he called me back to let me know he wasn't ignoring me either and we should definitely hang soon. Very, very sweet. And that was that. He wasn't pushy or trying real hard to make plans, just clearing the air.

Then this guy we all know from work was apparently hanging out at the beach today, the same one Lacey and I happened to be at, so Nikki, text me his number and told us he wanted us to call so that we could meet up.

Now, we've never hung out with this guy, outside of work before, but he's lost so many braincells from partying that it cracks us up to hear the way he speaks. So, without hesitation, I dialed his number and had one of the most entertaining conversations I've had with someone in a very long time.

We didn't end up meeting up, but it sure was fun chatting with him!

I never would have had those two conversations today if it hadn't been for Lacey's influence. She's so spontaneous and carefree when it comes to talking to people on the phone. I love that aspect of her personality and I hope to become more like that!

Today, was a great day. Tomorrow, I have two auditions and rehearsal for class. I'm stoked and exhausted and have less than 7 hours of sleep ahead of me. So adieu my friends, more tomorrow!

I like to lie...

September 19, 2009.

One thing I've learned about myself tonight: I love to lie. Ok, well, not so much lie, as create alternate lives for myself. Tonight, at Rocco's up in Studio City, I was 'Matt', which is not short for anything, and I'm from Louisville (pronounced Looovaulle), Kentucky, where the weather is similar to California, but has a bit more change of seasons (as if I know). And the reason I decided to leave was because during one of the political campaigns a few years back I couldn't stand how racist the politicians were being in order to get votes. How revolting!

Ha, it just comes so easily to me, it's kind of scary. But, it's such a great acting exercise and I enjoy it so much. Until, I feel like I actually like the people I'm talking to, then I worry that, uh-oh, I've already dug my hole this deep...how do I begin to climb out of it?

I literally worked ALLL day...I started down here in Manhattan, the new restaurant is opening this wednesday, so our insane, out of touch with reality owner wanted people there all day to hand out samples of ribs. Woohoo! So from noon to 4pm, I was there doing busy work and offering free ribs to anyone who dared stick their head in to check out the new place. It was actually quite fun because everyone who stopped was so damn friendly! I love when people introduce themselves and don't just treat you like you're beneath them because you're a waitress. People in M.B. were mad cool today!

Then I drove 45 min up to the Oaks to work my actual serving shift. It was ok, I made pretty decent money (thank God). I'm finally out of the hole I was sinking into with acting class, rent, gas money, etc. I'm back to being able to actually save and not worry about how much I spend on dinner. It's a nice feeling.

I got to work with Nikki and Lacey tonight, so we decided since we were all up there at the same time we might as well hit up Rocco's. Our beloved bar. It was a blast. I was DD (but I let myself have two beers when we got there, and then spent the rest of the evening sobering up).

Um...it was a good time. It made me feel attractive. It made me feel intelligent. It made me feel like I'm finally making smarter decisions in my life. Had some good conversation with old friends, had some good conversation with new friends. Left before anyone had too much of a good thing. Tipped our server real well, she's the best and deserves it! She was so grateful. I love people like that, especially in L.A. She actually gave her number to us because we told her we want to hang with her sometime when she's not working. She gave us the nicest compliment I think we could've gotten tonight.

Lacey noticed her talking to a guy at the bar and was reading her lips. She was telling him, “Those girls are great, they always come and have such a good time without creating drama and getting out of control.”

And that, in a nutshell, is what we do! That is why I love us. The end.

All By Myself...And Happy.

September 18, 2009

Things I learned today:

I don't like working the day shift. It's uber, super, duper boring and you make no tips.
Vitello's is a delicious and fairly reasonably priced restaurant (huh, who knew? I'd never been there before).
Apparantly, I radiate beauty (says the middle aged guy I served today while he ate lunch with his mom).
And...I should not use eharmony or match.com because everyone on there is a liar (says the middle aged man who would not leave me alone at fedex).

I worked all day, ran errands, ate dinner at Vitello's alone...(i'm getting used to that, is that bad?), hung out with the roomies while they worked, waiting for traffic to subside so that I could make it home in reasonable timing. Worked out (yay! 30 day shred), and here I sit waiting for Nikki to get off work and come drink with me!

I booked my flight for my movie premiere which I'm totally psyched about, my mom and step-dad are coming also, which I think is super awesome! I was shocked that my step-dad agreed to come, he doesn't like traveling, so he doesn't do it often. But, the fact that he's willing to travel to see my movie means a lot to me! Not sure if my sis is coming yet, but I really do hope she does. It would be incredible to have my whole fam there to support.

And you know? I'm not even that sad that I won't be bringing a date. Why bring someone with me that's not gonna be around in a couple of years and just make me sad when I look back on pictures of that happy moment in my life? No need!

Alright, well...i find myself alone often and I suppose I'm getting used to it. I was thinking the other day about when, ehem, I'm a big, famous movie star, maybe I'll never bring a date to red carpet events. I'll either bring family or my best girlfriend.

What things do you like to do alone?

Sunrise and Echigo

September 17, 2009.

Feelin' a little buzzed...and likin' it! Just went to the sushi place across the street with Lacey and enjoyed a rather large beer and a rather small sushi roll. Still hungry.

Let's see. Today was quite exciting! I found out that the horror movie I worked on over a year ago now is finally making it's premiere in Illinois! I'm so stoked and I called my mom, because she told me that whenever it premiere's she would like to be there with me. I'd like that too. So, it's premiering on Oct. 30th!!!

It's too exciting! I've been wetting myself all day. Ok, well not literally, but almost. That's pretty huge. Also, another movie I worked on out here in L.A. just a few months ago is starting to be entered in the festival circuit and...um...possibly going to be sold on Amazon. Um...I may or may not tell you titles, not sure yet. I mean I'd love for you guys to check 'em both out, but that goes against my anonymity, does it not?

Alright, lets see...well today, I attempted to get up to watch the sunrise, but I was feeling a bit too sleepy to actually get out of bed, so I did sit up and took a look out my window. Then I felt a bit inspired so I did attempt to write something uber deep. Not sure if I succeeded, but I wrote. Then, proceeded to pass out for a couple more hours.

Hung out at the beach with Nikki and her boy until my stomach couldn't handle the “couply-ness” any longer.

Um............new and exciting things I tried today?? I tried a new beer, Echigo, at the sushi place. And let me tell you! If you haven't eaten for six hours before you drink it, then it will definitely get you drunk! It was good!

What other beers should I try??

Creativity and Self-esteem

September 16, 2009.

So, I did a few new things today. I had my first “business” meeting with my friend York today. She works with me at C's and we are both aspiring actresses. We have decided that we really want to kick our asses into gear and become successful. Our plan is to meet once a week, and have goals that we are supposed to have accomplished by the next meeting.

Since this was our first, we didn't have that much on our agenda. The first thing we decided to do was buy a book called, “The Six Pillars of Self-esteem” by Nathanial Branden. It was recommended by one of my acting coaches, because you can't really get anywhere in this business without Self-esteem. Now our goal is to read this book. I've started and just finished chapter one and yes, I do find that my self-esteem could be better...hopefully chapter 2 will help make it better! I'm not recommending the book just yet, I haven't read enough of it, but I'll keep you all posted!

Our meeting was productive. We both are at pretty much the same point and know that the next step for us is to have a reel (actor speak for short video that showcases the work you've done to send out to casting directors/agents/managers). This has been my goal all year and has been going rather slowly...so we've decided we're just gonna make it happen!

This entails us writing our own scenes, rehearsing them, staging them, finding someone to film them, edit them and then voila we have a reel! Simple...right? Well, we're gonna try to make it as simple as possible. I have faith in us!

After our meeting, I headed to class, which I haven't been to in two weeks, which felt like century. I just can't wait to dive right back in and get my ass kicked by my teacher again. Boy do I need that! (And there was absolutely no sarcasm whatsoever there, I promise!)

After class it was the usual, work, blah blah blah. But, I was very happy to be at work, seeing as I just spent over $200 on class and now am back to $0 in my bank account. Oh the life of a starving artist. I just keep thinking to the future and how sweet it will be when I'm getting those million dollar paychecks for my feature films! I just hope I don't ever take it for granted!

Another thing I decided on today was I need to start writing more. I used to be an avid reader and writer as a kid. They were my two favorite activities (I know...did someone scream dork??? Yes, I was a huge nerd, thick glasses and all). But my mom called me today and I get my writing skills from her. She's great and artistic and creative and everything I hope to be. She told me today that she wants to dedicate her mornings before work to writing and take it seriously like a second job so that maybe she can write enough to finish something worthwhile. She wants me to keep up my writing as well.

She doesn't know I blog. I just don't think she's ready for some of what I write about. But we made a deal that each week we are going to write something, anything, whatever we are inspired to write and then on Sunday Evening, we are going to send each other something we wrote that week.

I'm quite excited about this and I hope she sticks with it. Maybe this Sunday I'll have something that I wrote and something that she wrote and I'll share a bit with you all...if you're lucky!

Ok...stop reading and go do something creative!

No Cell Phones

September 15, 2009

1:58am.

Man was this one for the books! Lots of fun new things took place this evening (last night, I guess technically).

Spent the day being somewhat unproductive, then got ready to go country line dancing with the roomies. We headed down to Hermosa Pier as soon as Nikki got back from work and went to a bar that has live music and the smallest dance floor known to man. The band was awesome though and if we had known more moves we would've killed that dance floor.

We heard a couple bars down though, some pretty brutal karaoke going on, and just had to know what it was. We found the source of the noise and headed in. We found a spot in the corner and sat. None of us were really drinking tonight. I need to sort of detox from all the alcohol intake from this past week. So we decided if anyone asked, we would tell them this was our AA meeting.

Now, the thing about L.A. is that about 90% of the population actually is in AA. So, lo and behold, someone asked and we claimed this was our weekly meeting (at a bar...uh...ok), he believed us and started asking questions only someone in AA would know to ask. Eek. We told him we needed to get down to business so that he would leave and he did.

Not too long after, however, someone else came and joined our group and we told him the same thing. Unfortunately, this guy was actually really fun and nice and believed us and divulged info about his alcoholic grandfather hopes to be sober someday as well. Oops. Lacey was the one talking to him and she felt so bad, but how do we now backtrack??? Then, as luck would have it, the waitress came over with three shots for us. I looked at her and with very wide eyes, said, “Oh, no we can't drink!”

She was so confused and I think a little offended. So Nikki went and told her that we were playing a practical joke on this guy, the waitress laughed. The “shots” were bought for us by one of the bartenders as a “welcome to the neighborhood”. So we thanked him later as well, when he informed us that they were in fact just oj and some other kind of juice. He noticed that we weren't drinking, so he didn't get us real shots. Hilarious!

Well, another thing we all did tonight that was unusual of my normal pattern is that we left our cell phones at home. Who were we expecting to hear from? No need for them! It was so freeing! I actually didn't even think about it the entire night. Plus, it kept me from checking, in hopes that someone I wanted to hear from would call. I might just do that more often.

Alright, well, we ended up making friends with half the bar, per usual, but I'm just gonna bitch about one thing, and then I'm done, it'll be out my system and I'll be over it. I will never, ever be able to get a guy if I'm always going out with Nikki. No matter what, I am invisible whenever we are together. I love her to death and she is one of the most humble, sweetest people I know and she should never, ever feel guilty about this, but man does it piss me off, when we're sitting at a table together and an old man comes over (and when I say old, I mean late 50's), leans over my lap, without so much as a glance or an “excuse me” and says, “I know I'm too old for you, but I just wanted to tell you that you are a very pretty girl. Very pretty. I'm Vince. You are very pretty.”

I mean...you're practically on my lap, sir. And although, I'm totally not interested in creepy older men, it makes me feel like I must have a penis or am i chop liver? He acted as if it were an empty chair he were leaning across. And what possess everyone with the need to inform beautiful women of how beautiful they are...I will never understand this phenomenon. It's like the highest value you could have as part of the female species and if you have it you are constantly being reminded as if you may have forgotten.

I try to have a lot of self-confidence, but when I go out with Nikki, I don't hold any hope of meeting a guy. Goddamn, superficial, f*ing L.A. that has made every guy so jaded that unless you're 5'10” you should just go back to Alabama or wherever you came from if you ever want to be noticed.

Ugh, alright, I bitched. I'm done. Moving on.

Moral of the story: Go out without your cellphone sometime and if you don't even own one, good for you! Also, don't lie about being in AA at a bar...people totally blow your cover by buying you shots from across the room (we were bought a second round by someone else...)

Oh and the best part of the story, we had admitted our lie to all that mattered and since it was karaoke one of the guys we'd been chatting with finished singing his song and then announced over the mic, “THAT WAS FOR THE AA GIRLS IN THE BACK. THANKS FOR NOT DRINKING TONIGHT!”

Yeah, so we have a way of making sure everyone knows us...hey, no such thing as bad publicity, right??

Rules and Regulations

September 14, 2009.

My mom bought me a book a couple christmas' ago which I've never finished reading. I decided today's the day! It's called, "A whack on the side of the Head! How you can be more creative" by Roger Von Oech. Check it out if you're ever feeling unimaginative, it's great.

Well, I woke up this morning and started reading the next chapter: Follow the Rules. And basically, what the author is emphasizing is that we all place these rules into our lives and at the time they are placed, they're probably relevant, but then they eventually become outdated and we still follow them just because we're so used to it! So he gives an exercise at the end of each chapter and this one was to write down the rules you follow, the reason you follow them and whether they are still relevant.

Here are my rules (you should try it too...it's very eye-opening!):

1.Must abstain from sex this whole year; Because last year I had so many failed “relationships” and one night stands that I was starting to feel depleted and less of a person. My hope was that abstinence would lead to greater self-discovery and self love. I failed at abstaining the entire year, but I did make a better point of less one night stands and having more meaningful sexual encounters. I'm letting this rule go. I know my limits and I know what I'm capable of and I fear that this rule has now just become a burden because every time I do have sex, I now feel guilty, knowing that I've broken a RULE that I in fact set for myself. I have no room for guilt anymore, so I'm done. Goodbye Rule #1!!

2.Be a successful actress; Because it's all I've ever thought of being, wanted to be, and now I fear I don't know how to be anything else. Is this still a relevant rule? I think I'll keep it for a while longer. I still truly love all the aspects of being an actress and even though I'm sure I could make a living doing something else, I'd rather not. I've had a few revelations about my acting during acting classes, so I think I'm going to keep on trudging along for awhile. Rule #2, you may stay.

3.Only put $20 worth of gas in my gas tank; Because it usually gives me enough gas to get by for a few days and it doesn't make me feel like I'm spending enough to go broke. I find though that by doing this, I never have a full tank of gas (what with the disgustingly high prices out here in cali) and I worry about the condition it's leaving my car in as well as having to fill up more often. I don't think I should stay in this rut. I need to break out of it and realize that no matter how much money I put into my gas tank, I'll eventually be putting more in anyway, so why not do it all at once. Goodbye Rule #3!!

4.Go to acting class this wednesday, no matter what! Because, I don't want to look like a quitter and I want the respect of my teacher. Still relevant? I have absolutely no money in my bank account and yet, I'm still desperately trying to make this a possibility. If I just said, “no, I will wait another week.” I would have those extra work days to help me financially and probably be a little less stressed, but I do fear, not only for my teacher's disapproval, but that the longer I go without class, the harder it will be for me to re-enter and re-adjust. So, I'm hanging on to Rule #4, at least until wednesday when I decide if I do in fact have enough money to go to class.

5.The next three rules all sort of fall into the same category, so I'm clumping them together: Don't flirt, don't call, don't be obvious; Because, then you can be the one being rejected versus doing the rejecting. These all need to go. I don't want them in my vocab any longer. Who cares if I get hurt? I get hurt either way because without making my interest known, the object of my affection has no idea I'm interested and therefore won't approach either. How to go about changing this rule? Not sure, but I'm gonna try my best to break this pattern! Adios Rules 5a, b and c!!

6.Check email religiously; Because, if I don't I may miss out on an amazing casting opportunity and my inbox will become so full of emails that I will have a headache trying to go through them all. I think this rule is still somewhat relevant, but it can be adjusted. I think maybe I'll set certain times to check my email throughout the day, or perhaps set a limit. Three times is probably enough. I find myself checking at least ten times a day and that's just ridiculous. I'm not eliminating this rule, but I'm condensing it.

7.Be anonymous on my blog; Because of my old blog I was discussing my sexual exploits and innermost admissions of some very private matters so it was essential to remain anonymous, just in case la madre were to wander onto it someday. This rule, unfortunately has to remain, because my new blog is still connected to the old, it would completely give me away. I'll be honest about everything, except for my real name...Rule #7 sticks.

I've realized in my own life that rules lead to guilt...isn't it funny how we can make ourselves feel guilty? Humans are ridiculous! What are your craziest self implemented rules? Do you still need them?

Back to Basics

September 13, 2009.

Since I made my decision to end my previous blog, “Year of My Fake Engagement”, I have felt like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders. It was really, truly bringing me down! I had no idea. But, yesterday, all day I was feeling the happiest and most confident I've felt in a very long time. I felt like me!

This blog is going to be just about basically whatever I want it to be about, boys may make guest appearances every now and then, but they will no longer be the deciding factor of what I'm writing about.

Also, I plan on trying lots of new things for the rest of the year. I started this yesterday by (Drum roll please...) going to work sans makeup. Now I know this sounds stupid. However, if you've ever been a server or ever lived in L.A. you would know that people don't step two feet out of their house or two feet out of their bedrooms for that matter without caking on the makeup.

Now, I've always been a fan of au natural. I went to college in a very hippie town (shout out to New Paltz!) and I'm not the biggest fan of showering. Of course I still do it every day, I wouldn't want you guys to think this blog is being written by a smelly girl who's best friends with the flies circling around her! So, I'm most comfortable when I'm not wearing makeup...at least at home. But when it comes to work, where you're taking people's orders and constantly staring people in the face, you have to look good. Especially if you want that awesome tip at the end of the night.

So, out comes the eyeliner, mascara, eyelash curler, hair straightener, blush, cover up, eye shadow, lip gloss....ew! You're putting all that fake gross unnatural stuff on your face. So, yesterday before work, I went for a run with my roomie Lacey, and after my shower, I just looked in the mirror and saw this happy, glowing complexion and figured, why cover that up?

I walked out the door and so that I didn't even have a chance to reconsider I left my makeup behind.

Alright, so when I got to work, I did start to panic, a little. I borrowed some mascara from Nikki, my other roomie, who was already at work. But that's all I let myself do. Not so bad!

What I learned from this: I felt more beautiful and more confident then I have all year. This could also be due to how happy I was. But, after a full five hours of work with no makeup, I even went out to a bar, sans makeup. Again, I reapplied a little mascara, but that was it. I was rather proud of myself.

And, believe it or not...even in this crazy superficial town of L.A., I was getting lots of looks while at the bar bare faced. I think I may do this again. It just felt so good!

Yay! So that was a successful experiment. Not sure what today will bring. I work at 6pm, supposed to have a drink with a friend who also works in the valley after we get off and such is life. Life is good.

What did you do today out of your norm??