Old Fashioned Pumpkin Carvin's

October 28, 2009.

Something new today...I tried a new restaurant out. I went to a little italian pizza place on Tujunga with York today instead of our usual Aroma Cafe. It was decent. I love meeting with York, it's like having a weekly therapy session with a good friend. She's great!

Class was good. Left early, but left inspired as usual. Then headed back to M.B. for some good old fashioned festivities with the roomies. We had an impromptu pumpkin carving party with some friends. Loads of fun. Pumpkins, cupcakes, popcorn and booze. Recipe for lots of laughter and great memories.

I just wish I had a boy to end the night with. But what else is new?

I finally get to sleep in tomorrow. I have the whole day free until rehearsal at 3pm in Pasadena. So, I'm gonna work out for an hour...last day to work out until I go to the premiere and I gotta look like hot shit! And then I'm going out tomorrow night to see a friends show and probably pulling an all nighter until my flight on friday which is at 6am...eek.

This weekend is going to be a true test of survival for me. It's a good thing I don't have a boyfriend, because he would feel very neglected and I would be missing him. Too much going on.

Alright, if you haven't already, go carve some pumpkins!

'This is it'

October 27, 2009.

Went to see “This is It” with Lacey right after work this evening. GO SEE IT. That is all. It was awesome. MJ is incredible. And it will inspire you to dance. Inspire you to love. Inspire you to change the world.

Lacey and I were both incredibly inspired...watch out world, get ready to for a change!

De-Stress at the Movies

October 26, 2009.

Tried to get up early to workout this morning, but found myself awake at 5:30am for no apparent reason, so I tried to go back to bed, then found that I didn't want to rise and shine before 8:30. Still managed to get a quick workout in and a shower and not be late for class in the valley today. That was definitely a miracle.

Class went well, then rehearsal with my scene partner for my wednesday class. I think SAM-e is affecting me because I find myself reacting to certain situations differently than I have in the past. I'm not so quick to tear up. I'm not so defensive. I'm a little bit more open and looser, ready for constructive criticism. It's good.

Today's first for me was going to see a movie to avoid rush hour traffic. I got out of my rehearsal at 4:30pm...just in time for stalled traffic. So, instead of getting a numb foot and a headache from siting in frustrating traffic, I went to see “Law Abiding Citizen” in Sherman Oaks. Man, it was a rough movie to watch. I definitely had to close my eyes at certain moments. But, it was more enjoyable than sitting in unbearable traffic.

When I finally headed back to Manhattan Beach it did take me only 35 min.

Was going to go out tonight with Nikki and Lacey, but Lacey's been feeling sick and wants to rest up before Halloween, understandably, but it was disappointing because it's been way too long since the three of us all went out together. Very sad indeed.

Well, hopefully the rest of the week will go smoothly, there's much to do! I'll keep you posted!

Fast Forward/Rewind...I can't seem to get it right!

October 25, 2009

Argh! 4 days of randomness to catch up on. I'll just mention the highlights:

Proud of myself on Friday...had the day off, worked out for an hour (I never do that!!) it was awesome, my body is still feeling it.

Friday night went out with Lacey and realized that we should never, ever try to hang out with all of our guy friends at once. They need too much attention. We invited three different groups of guys to hang with us and they actually all showed up! Then, one by one, left because we couldn't babysit and let's face it, Lacey and I aren't enough for 6 or more guys...wish we were, but we're just not. It was a fun and random night though and I ended the night with the “Bees Knees” again from last weekend.

Although, now I'm kind of wishing I hadn't because, I actually like him and he's just another guy who doesn't text, call or come over. Great. I needed a new one in my life. But, that's a story for another blog...Moving on.

Saturday night, worked. This morning, worked.

Tonight marked the return of my improv group though and I couldn't be more excited! It's about time! I missed working out my improv muscle. I need to do that more often, we were all very very rusty. But we have a show in about 7 weeks, so we're going full force ahead!

Class in the morn and then rehearsal and whatever else the night may bring. This week is going to be a bit hectic and crazy because I'm trying to cram in a lot of stuff before I go out of town for Friday night and before I get stir crazy on Halloween and then have to pay rent and for two acting classes. Ahhh...this is gonna be a tight month! I can't believe October is nearly over. What is going on?

Is someone fast forwarding our world? Stop it! Slow down a bit, please!!!

Ask and ye shall recieve!

October 21, 2009.

Felt great today! Did two scenes in acting class, felt great about 80% of it. Know I still have far to go, but I definitely feel as though I'm gettin' there!

Stopped by my old work in the valley to sit out the rush hour traffic. Made plans with York to get our reel movin' real soon. Also, spoke to Roni, of Roni B. clothing boutique on Ventura Blvd and asked if she'd be cool with us filming in her store. She said she definitely was as long as we give an establishing shot and spread the word...so word is being spread! I'm so psyched! Ask and ye shall receive!

It's gonna be awesome! The next two months are going to be filled with filming and I couldn't be more happy about it!

Then I had to return to M.B. to go to a meeting at the new restaurant. Ugh. It wasn't as bad as I expected though. Our manager's pretty cool and easy going. I work tomorrow and am happy about it, since I need the money asap.

And, last but not least, of all the good news I got today here comes the kicker...

So, I'm leaving town next friday to go to my movie premiere in Chicago. The director called me today, sounding shocked and confused and after giving me a heart attack that something might be very wrong, he informed me that he had entered the film in a film festival and it won a few awards. One of them being Best Supporting Actress: Moi!!

I was beaming! This is amazing news and could mean so many great things for the film as well as me! I'm not allowed to tell anyone yet, because the director wants to announce this at the premiere as a surprise to all. Including my amazingly loving family that is so willingly coming out to see the movie!

Wow. Great, great day!

Alright, I'm off to watch a movie and pass out! Night!

Driving across L.A.

October 20, 2009.

Another exhausting day of driving around L.A. Two rehearsals, one in NoHo, one in Beverly Hills and then finally down to Santa Monica for my audition.

Rehearsals went well. Audition went ok. It was just kind of a strange audition and there was another actress auditioning along with me who kind of just rambled on about a bad scene in the script and I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible and leave on a good note, but, yeah, anywho, it was kind of awkward.

Took myself to lunch before my audition, treated myself to a glass of wine, half a salad and dessert. I felt spoiled.

I got home around 4:30 and was just plain pooped. I did end up buying a pack of SAM-e today, and took my first pill. So...we shall see! I can't imagine what it feels like to be normal. Will I even notice a change? Today I definitely felt my cloud of sadness. It gave me a headache all day long. And it almost put me in tears when both my roommates were MIA due to being out with boys.

I was supposed to go see some stand-up this evening with my roomies and whoever else wanted to join, but pretty much everyone ditched, even though they originally said they were going. I was kind of annoyed by this, especially by Nikki, who doesn't hang out with us anymore. She's too busy with her boy, even thought before he came into her life she was all, “my girls come first...”. Well, Nikki, it's been about a month since we hung out and we're roommates. How does that happen?

Anywho, just spent the rest of my evening on the couch. It was needed. I have class tomorrow and am actually kind of nervous about it. I forget that acting is fun and I view it more technically than I should and get all sorts of freaked out. I have a really fun scene to do tomorrow and I just know I'm going to over think it and make it technical and BORING. God, Irene!!! Just let go!!!!!!!!! Have fun!!!!!!!!! Love what you do!!!!!!!!

Ok, sorry, I need to scold myself real quick for a moment.

Alright, it's only 10pm and I think I'm actually off to bed. I'm just plain tired and I actually get to sleep in a little tomorrow, so if I go to bed now and sleep a good long time, then I'll still be up fairly early.

Buenos Noches!

SAM-e

October 18, 2009

Well, I made it to every single appointment/commitment I had scheduled today. I felt accomplished. And also very sad.

My audition tomorrow is for a cheesy slasher film and I really want to get it, only because it pays and it's a lead, so I'd get tons of experience and pay for doing what I love, even if the movie isn't going anywhere. So, I worked on it this morning in my auditioning class. There's a part where I'm supposed to be pretty upset and start crying and my teacher totally got me to a point where I was about to cry and then told me, “You're scared to go there.”

I am. I'm super scared to go there. I just feel like I've spent so much of my life being sad that I hate doing scenes where I have to cry because I don't want to spend another moment of my life crying. But, I need to totally go there and use it to my advantage.

Then I had private coaching later this afternoon with my other teacher and she didn't say I needed to actually work up the tears. She actually went about the work very different than my first teacher. Which I appreciate, because it gives me a couple different ways to play the scene. However, she likes to dig real deep into peoples real lives, only then she feels like she gets her students and knows where to take them and their work.

She looks right into me and always makes me cry. It was like I was at a therapy sessions divulging things I didn't even know I felt. For example (I'll share a bit with you all), I feel resentful because my dad passed away when I was 17 and most of his life he was a very sad man. I loved my father very much and all I wanted was to see him experience life how he wanted to. I just wanted him to be happy. Well, my mother asked for a divorce right before he passed and as soon as they were separated she was already dating other people. Now, eight years later, she's remarried and living with a man who takes pride in how thin his wife is.

Back story. My father was always obese. He died because of it. Now, I have a stepfather who is obsessed with the fact that my mom weighs 105 lbs (this is not an exaggeration) and freaks out if she gains as much as three pounds. This has made my mother neurotic about being thin. After years of being on the South Beach Diet, she now is on Weight Watchers.

Well, in my “therapy” session today, I learned that I think I'm very angry at this warped situation. Here my father is completely gone from my life because of his weight and my mom is now with a man who cares way too much about her weight. All of this makes me feel really bad about myself.

My teacher thinks/knows I'm depressed. I have been for most my life. I've just never wanted it diagnosed I guess because then it becomes something I have to medicate. I try so hard, every day to conceal my sadness, but apparently it's really affecting my acting work and my social life in a negative way. So, it's time I took a stand and said, “No more!”

I'm going tomorrow to buy SAM-e. It's a natural way of fighting off depression. Hopefully within a week I'll notice a change in my mood. Maybe I'll be a more bubbly person. Someone people will be drawn to. We shall see.

Now, I have to use my deep, dark sadness tomorrow during my audition and hope it doesn't ruin my mood for the rest of the day. I better nail this freaking part! Argh!!!!

Natural High

October 18th, 2009.

I already broke my promise of being more responsible at blogging every day. Eek. This weekend I have a good excuse though. I've been working crazy hours due to the fact that half of our staff has been out of town for the entire week. So there!

Last night, however, I did something out of my norm. I went to a bar by myself. My partner in crime, Lacey, is still out of town and my other partner in crime, Nikki hasn't been feeling well. But, I was in the mood to be social! So, I had received a text from one of the many Aussie's I've met since moving here, informing me that he was out with people at Shellback's. And to Shellback's I went!

I had such a good time and believe it or not, I ran into a lot of people I knew. God, this is such a small town. But the Aussie and his crew were all there and for some reason, I just felt this glow about me and apparently the men noticed it too, because I was being complimented right and left. And luck would have it that a guy, who I've met before and think is the bees knees was there and we were just drawn to eachother all night...and into the morning.

Don't worry, I'm still a “virgin” (44 days and going strong...will I make it to 50?), but I did get some pretty great kisses last night (and into the morning). And to top it off, I think this guy is a millionaire. No joke. Not that that's important to me, but it would definitely be something new and exciting to deal with.

That's all the details I'm giving for now, because 1) I don't want to get my hopes up...and 2) I don't want to jinx anything.

Worked all day today, then came home and have been prepping for an upcoming audition. I have my day crammed full of acting tomorrow and I couldn't be more stoked. Rehearsal #1 at 9am in Studio City, Acting Class at 11am in NoHo, Private Coaching in prep for my audition at 3pm, then Rehearsal #2 at 6pm in Echo Park. Love it! I'm going to be creatively exhausted tomorrow night and feel glorious!

I seriously get a high from acting and studying my acting. I should be sleeping but I'm wound from preparing my many scenes. I love this feeling.

What gives you a natural high?? Go spend an hour doing it! No pun intended...

I'm likeable!

October 16, 2009

I've just exploded with too many things to do these days! I can't seem to keep much straight.

Yesterday, I worked all day long and then sat with Nikki while she did the late night at the restaurant. I went to bed feeling kind of lame about myself again last night.

This morning I got up, not nearly as early as I should've. I had to be in Studio City by 11am and didn't leave M.B. until 10:30am. And it's friday, so traffic was horrendous! I had to cancel the rehearsal I had for class. But, I did manage to make it to my audition all the way up in Santa Clarita on time.

Don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think I blew the audition out of the water...we shall see! It was my first audition with my new haircut, so if I do perchance get it, I'm taking it as a very good sign!

I decided today that I no longer go on auditions. I get cast. I get the part. I film. Every day. If possible. I'm on a serious mission.

And on the drive home, in the two hours it took me sitting in traffic, I realized that I've been really shitty to myself and the people around me. I need to start liking me more. And, when I got to work, I put that thought into action and guess what??? I got the best tips I've ever gotten to date. And, none of my tables had complaints. None of them seemed snobby to me. And you know why I think it was? Because I liked me!!! I enjoyed being me! I thought my hair looked cute, I looked cute, I was fun and witty and likeable. Where has that girl been the past few weeks??? She really went into hiding. Well, she's back and she's not going anywhere for awhile.

Gotta hit the hay, I have an early rehearsal tomorrow then another long day at work. Blah! I won't miss another day of blogging...i, er, um, sort of promise...

Friendships are two sided

October 14, 2009.

Today I learned that a) I need to become more confident despite my short hair and b) I need to be a better friend to people despite living way down far yonder.

Got up and worked out this morning (yay shred!) It's my goal to look stunning by Oct. 30th for my movie premiere as well as for the audition I have on Oct. 31st, where I need to be a hottie that walks into a bar and makes every man drool. Right...well, at least I'll feel really good about my body in a couple weeks.

I had class at 2pm. Sadly no business meeting with York this week, she's out of town for a wedding. But, I did set up plans for new headshots, thanks to my scene partner who's trying to build her photography portfolio. And a private coaching with my teacher, which will cost me a fortune, but I have an audition on tuesday for a feature and I'm ready to start booking roles rather than just auditioning for them. I'm ready!!! So, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to kick some ass, even if it means I'm breaking the bank to do it!

After class, I did some therapy shopping. Bought some cute clothes that will hopefully distract people from my hair...or at least make me feel like I look cute.

Then I made a play date with Adain. We always randomly text one another and have randomly hooked up in the past (almost on labor day), but we are friends nonetheless, so I figured, while I'm in the valley, I might as well put in some time with old friends, such as Adain.

We went to go see 'The Invention of Lying'. It was a decent movie. It was kind of funny because the whole premise is about a world where everyone tells the truth and if that were the case in our world, I kept thinking, what would I really be saying to Adain right now?

“I don't really know why I asked you to come to the movies with me tonight. Maybe it was because I was considering having sex with you to make me feel better after chopping off my beautiful sexy hair, leaving me feeling unattractive and unconfident, but now that we're hanging out, I'm reminded of all the things that irritate me about you and we are definitely not going to have sex tonight. So now I feel a little awkward sitting in this theater with you, wondering what you're expecting or thinking is going to happen tonight.”

That probably wouldn't have gone over so well, huh?

Well, I am glad I met up with him. It's important I do things with other people every once in awhile, so that my roomies aren't my only source of socialization. Maybe every Wednesday if I'm not working, I'll make a habit out of visiting a friend from the valley. That would be fun!

Came home to an empty apartment, Nikki was dropping Lacey off at the airport. She's gonna be gone for the rest of the week. I don't know what I'm gonna do without her! We've been bosom buddies since moving in. Nikki's been a little anti-social. So maybe this will get Nikki to come out of her room a bit more and we can have some bonding time while Lacey's away.

Have to work tomorrow, but I'm getting up at decent time and getting my sweat on! No more excuses from this girl! I'm doing it full out (at least until the 30th)!

Go call a friend!

Found $20

October 13, 2009.

Found $20 on my run today. This is what I did with it:

Bought medicine for my roomie $3.99
Gatorade and Water for me and Lacey after our run $4
Donated $5 to Breast Cancer (plus change)
Bought sun-dried tomatoe spread for Lacey and I at the Farmer's Market $7

Then, the guy at the market was super nice and thought I was cute, so he threw in extra stuff with our purchase. Karma.

This day turned out to be great.

My favorite part? Lacey and I went on a 4mi run and on the way home, instead of running we pumped up our ipods and danced the entire way. People were scared. We were happy. Break away from the norm more often! Do something unexpected! Your happiness will be rewarded!

What would you do with a free $20?

Turkey Artichoke

October 13, 2009.

Alright, alright, so yes I was being melodramatic the other day. I just hated the thought of not having my hair back until next summer!

I actually got up yesterday for class and did my bangs and did my hair (then decided to pull it back into the worlds smallest ponytail) and I got quite a few compliment from my classmates at class and then at rehearsal after, so it made me a bit more hopeful. My biggest problem right now though is just my headshots and that may not even be much of a problem for too much longer. My acting class partner said she'd take pictures for me. Perfect!

I just need a few to get by until my hair grows out. Then I can go back to the old ones, if I still like the message they're sending.

Yesterday put me in a better mood. Still, it will be a challenging month. Went to see 'Zombieland' with Lacey last night. Good movie, go see it! Emma Stone is my new hero and I want to be her. She always plays awesome roles that I could totally do. And she's cute but she's no “Hollywood hottie”, she just manages to make her career on her talent. Like everyone should.

For new things I tried yesterday, I tried a new sandwich at Panera. Gross. Turkey Artichoke. Never again.

And as for last night we invited a guy to come over and chill with us that we had met at the restaurant the other night when I was working the late night. He's super fun and super adorable. Nikki keeps telling us that one of us needs to “claim” him. I keep telling her that I don't want to because we need some guy friends that are just friends. And personally I feel that if one of us “claims” him and we jump into something and it doesn't work out, well there goes a potential really great friend. If something's meant to be between him and one of us (God, I hate that Lacey and I are so alike) then it will develop over time and be ten times more meaningful than if we just “bed him” now.

I'm over jumping in. I'm ready to take my sweet time. I want a boyfriend, not a plaything.

Well, we had a lot of fun last night with a bottle of wine and a few rounds of “Apples to Apples”. Hope we do that again soon.

Today, I have the day off, but I am doing a couple of rehearsals for acting class as well as my female quartet. So, it will be a creatively fulfilling day. I should definitely work out somewhere in there as well. I was hoping for a dance class in this area, but damn this is a small town with very few choices.

Alright...onward and upward and don't get the Turkey Artichoke Sandwich from Panera.

I'm ugly.

October 11, 2009.

I'm officially the ugly friend. I feel like I've lost all my sexuality and power and I just want to hide under a rock and not come out until my hair has grown back.

I've been depressed all day. I can't stand my hair. I don't know how I'm supposed to have any self-esteem at all when I look in the mirror and see myself. Now, I'm not only uninteresting, but I'm unattractive.

Ok, sure, I'm being a bit dramatic, but I don't know what else to do. This is just no good. It's going to take months for my hair to grow back and my bangs to grow out. So, I've got months of low self-esteem to look forward to. Hoorah. If I thought getting a boyfriend was hard before, just wait.

This completely and utterly sucks. I have to go to acting class tomorrow and play a character that is powerful and sexy and all I can think to do is hide under a hat and cry. I don't think I'm even allowed to wear a hat in class tomorrow, so now I'm really screwed. I just want to stay home.

It's really that bad. I just don't want to go anywhere until my hair grows back. I'm uber, uber depressed.

Just went out with Lacey tonight and of course we thought all the same guys were hot and of course not any of them were interested in me. She was even being rather tame this evening and not forcing herself on any of them, and yet, they still end up asking for her number, not mine. I am the ugly, uninteresting friend. Awesome.

I'm going to try to get up tomorrow and work out and turn my negative attitude into a more constructive positive one, it's just so freaking hard when you live with a model who has a steady relationship, and a girl who's almost just like you in every way and gets all the guys your attracted to without even trying. I hate that I feel like I need a man in my life to reaffirm my value, but right now, that's what I need. It's been too long since I've had someone tell me I was beautiful or want to kiss and hold me. It's been forever.

I hate feeling worthless. That's how I feel right now. It's the worst. I need to go to bed. Goodnight.

New Haircut

October 10, 2009.

Haircut day...what a disaster!!! Thank goodness for great friends like Lacey.

It all started at 9am when I went to my haircut appointment at Bob Roy's. I brought a picture of what I was hoping for and told her I didn't want to look like twins with my roomie, who just got her hair cut with bangs and layers. I also told her that I needed to keep the length, so that my headshots still work.

The cutting began. Cut. There goes six inches. Cut. There goes another six inches. Cut. Now I have bangs. Snip, snip, cut, cut. Done. I look like Lacey's twin. Fuck my life.

I had to run off to work, so I really couldn't stay and ask her to fix it. But at work I was so miserable. It looks exactly like the cut I got when I was in 7th grade, thick straight bangs, and shoulder length hair. It looked horrendous. Lacey came right over to tell me, “It looks good! It's cute!” and everything else a good friend is supposed to say when their other friend is facing a crisis.

Well, after a terrible day at work, I just couldn't stand the thought of living with this awful haircut, so Lacey accompanied me back down to the salon where I got my haircut to see if they could salvage it by any means. We walked in and there was the woman who cut my hair, sitting right there at the front desk, great.

So, I simply said, “So, my hair looks just like my roomies, is there any way we can change it up a little?” And she just looked at me and said, “Ooh, no, we'd have to wait for the bangs to grow out.”

Then Lacey tried, “Well, could we put like some more choppy layers in it or something?”

The stylist, still not moving, said, “Well, we need to keep the length don't we?”

I couldn't believe she wasn't jumping all over trying to make an unsatisfied customer happy!!! She was basically telling us that there was nothing we could do to make my hair look better. Excuse me?? You messed up my hair, you better damn well fix it!!!

We left Bob Roy's absolutely appalled by how they treated us. We looked for the closest salon and found “Hush” right around the corner. We went in and declared our state of emergency. They were super nice and got me right in. They couldn't believe my hair or how I was treated and they came up with a number of solutions that could take care of the problem.

And an hour and half later, I have an incredibly cute haircut and am in such a better mood! Now, granted, I probably have to get new headshots, but all in all, it ended up well.

I just could not believe that other stylist. They lost two customers today. Bad customer service...gets you nowhere.

Ooh, I think my pizza's here...off to fill my grumbly tummy! Then possibly off to Oktoberfest tonight! We shall see...

Don't settle for bad hair! No matter the cost!

Raging Hormones

October 9, 2009.

Hormones. I hate them. I've been on the verge of tears all day for absolutely no reason at all. I almost cried because the reception in my apartment was so bad I couldn't make an appointment to get my hair done. So, I walked down to the salon and almost cried when they told me they couldn't fit me in until tomorrow. I made an appointment and while walking home I text Lacey my misfortune and she replied and when I went to respond to her text my phone shut off, like it's been doing for the past six months. I almost cried. Then, I decided to go watch a movie, I've been dying to see '(500) Days of Summer' so I was gonna take myself on a date, but I couldn't find the theater and by the time I found it I was too late and couldn't find the parking lot for the theater...I almost cried.

What the hell?

Today was my day off and I spent 90% of it almost crying. Pathetic.

I get my hair done in the morning...I'm psyched about that. Then it's off to work for a few hours, then an audition and quick shoot for a movie that's being submitted to the Berlinale in Berlin. Interesting...so I have things to look forward to and nothing to be sad about. Tomorrow will be better!

Busy Bee

October 8th, 2009.

Life has been a bit busy these past few days! I've missed a bit...let's play some catch up, shall we? Wednesday had my morning business meeting with York. I'm so pumped every time we meet, it just reassures me that things are happening and life is going to take off very, very soon.

She told me not to go to my callback tomorrow. And, it at first upset me, but the more I thought about it, the more she's right. The deal with is was it's for a network show, so I would potentially be a character on the show for a whole season, however, there's nudity involved. I actually worked up the nerve to ask my acting teacher when class was over and she said, “As an actress, I would never lock down something I wasn't proud of.” And she's exactly right. I wasn't going to be proud of this if I did go through with it. It's not something I would want my mom to see. I always want my mom to see and admire my work as an artist and I just don't think I could bring myself to even tell her about it. So, I hung up my hopes of my t.v. debut and decided it'll happen for me soon. In another more wholesome way. I'm happy.

I did my scene in class yesterday and my teacher was quite pleased, which again just reinforces that I am on the right path. I'm doing something right. I got assigned a new scene and scene partner. I'm in trouble...he's way cute. And we have to kiss in our scene. Score! I mean...um trouble....

Then I rushed off to another audition that I bombed. And I'm not just being modest, my whole heart was left behind in the car so I just walked in and didn't even try. I don't know why, I just completely took myself out of the competition. Bummer.

Then it was off to my theater company's first meeting after a long haitus. I was super excited to be there with other creative people again who are all there for the love of the craft and not for the money. I found out some great news too...all of us creative people who are not in it for the money are now going to be able to get paid because we are officially a theater company that can accept grants from this point on! Hoorah!! That is really terrific news.

From the meeting I came back to wonderful Manhattan Beach and went out with my roomies and one of our coworkers to Shark's Cove. I got drunk. Damn. We were bought two rounds of shots and met some interesting men, then pigged out on some food from the Kettle on the way home. I was drunk.

This morning I got up fairly early to meet with my scene partner. Adorable. I hope he's not gay. Or has a girlfriend. I hope he's single and straight. After which it was back home to take a nap. I'm tired!!

Worked alllllll night from 5pm to 2:30am. I got stuck with the late shift and my wonderful roomies stayed with me the whole time. I love them! We got some business to come in and buy our food. I made a bit more in tips. We met some new friends. It was a decent night. Now though, I am quite exhausted and we may be meeting Lacey's family for breakfast tomorrow morn, that is if we can all get up. We shall see. We shall see...

I love leading a busy life, I just hope I can keep everything straight and give 100% to everything and not falter.

Up too long....

October 6, 2009.

Woke up before the sun rose, worked out, showered and headed off to planned parenthood for a nice two hour wait. Oh, how I love free medical service.

Then it was off to work for the next 8 hours of my life. I'm telling you, I have never ever been more motivated to get the f out of customer service than I am now. It's actually working wonders on my creativity output! Hooray for hating your day job!!

I guess I don't have too much to report for today. Things are going well, I'm busy with my acting all week, which is thrilling and gives me a reason to keep paying my bills so that I can keep living in L.A.

Um...I'm off to the grocery store and then back home again, home again to work out before bed and write some more good stuff!

Tomorrow I'll have more interesting things to say...maybe!

Positively Positive

October 5, 2009.

Today was great. Sort of.

Went back to an acting class I haven't been to in about two months (due to lack of funds) and felt super uber confident and happy with my work. Then I went on a shopping spree at Urban Outfitters (God, I love that store) and bought an incredibly adorable new dress to wear on my audition this evening.

It did the trick. I got a callback (second audition, that's a good thing) for this friday and if I get cast...well, I'm gonna be part of the next season of a show, but the title will remain confidential (sorry!). So, keep your fingers crossed on friday for me!

Then when I got home I received more good news about my acting career, a director emailed me requesting that I come in for an audition this saturday for his upcoming project as well as do a quick shoot on saturday for a project he's currently filming. Sweet! I'm there!

My horoscope did say October would be a great month for my career! I'm stoked and couldn't be happier with the way things are going acting-wise.

However, the part of my life that always gives me aches and pains...men. Ugh. Those of you who've read my previous blog know of Seattle. Well, Seattle struck again. I even hate writing about him because I feel like the only reason he enters my life is in hopes of being a part of my blog (yes, he still reads it.)

But, my problem is, why is it so hard for women to get past things? I know we need closure, but what kind of closure are we looking for? Seattle and I tried the friends thing. It didn't work for me. I tried the hateful thoughts thing. It doesn't work for me. Seattle's got a girlfriend now...clearly he's moved on. Why can't I?

I think what it is is that I'm taking out my anger toward men, all men, specifically, out on Seattle, he's just an easy target. He's the last guy I had genuine feelings for and that I thought had genuine feelings for me. I guess that's my problem, that whole situation makes me feel so unlovable. Arghghggghhh!! I don't want to write about this stuff anymore, that's why I stopped “Year of My Fake Engagement”. It does me no good! So I need to just focus on the positive, my career.

Focus on the POSITIVE!!!

Awkward First Date

October 4, 2009.

Well today was definitely one for my book of firsts. I went on an awkward first date with that guy I met at the restaurant.

He's a marine.

Just got back from Iraq 6mo's ago.

Very conservative. (I'm very liberal)

Calls me “sweety” or “baby”.

Is gonna think of something fun for us to do this wednesday. (I might not go.)

This just constantly makes me feel as if there is something wrong with me. I meet guy after guy and none of them click. Was dating always this hard? Or does it just become harder when you know what you want and refuse to settle? I think I answered my own question.

I mean I had a good time with the Marine. I wouldn't call it a great time. It was quite dull at moments. We did walk around the Hometown Fair, checked out some art, took a political quiz (to discover which end of the spectrum we were on...um, complete opposites), then he walked with me to work and had a beer until I had to clock in. He's nice. He's quirky. He's got tattoes. I just feel like I had to force a lot of the conversation, a lot of the time.

Then there was work. Oh God how I loathe my job. I seriously wanted to shoot myself and actually considered just walking out. But these chains, oh dear Lord, these chains that bind me...called rent, bills, gas money, acting classes. I couldn't leave.

It was F*ing Chuck e Cheese in the restaurant tonight. Every table I got had about three to six kids and I couldn't move a foot without tripping over a babydoll stroller.

I don't like kids. Especially misbehaved kids. Misbehaved Parents are even worse and I had my fair share of them this evening as well. Customer Service sucks my balls, excuse the foul language, but it's helping me to vent about work!

I just have to keep telling myself, someday it will all be over and done with. No more waiting tables, no more fake smiles, no more “Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot, I didn't realize you needed me to wipe your ass as well as put the food into your mouth, because you are incapable of doing so yourself, your drinks are on me!”

GET ME OUT OF HERE! This is the strongest motivation I have ever had to get my acting career on its feet and high into the air! Hollywood here I...no, Hollywood, I'm right here! Notice me!!

Everyone should have to serve food at some point in their lives, the world would be a better place and I wholeheartedly believe that. Good night.

Hometown Fair

October 3, 2009.

Ok, so today has a few more happy notes than that of yesterdays post. Worked this morning, got up sleepy as all get out, so I threw on clothes, didn't shower and just did my makeup real nice so that no one would assume...

Had a table today that consisted of a guy and his parents. Very sweet family. And every time I brought something over for them, they were uber gracious and thankful and so nice. Then I casually asked, “So are you going to the hometown fair?” It's going on today and tomorrow and I've heard lots about it, so I figured, I'd make chit chat. The parents immediately said no, but the guy kind of eyed me and asked, “Are you going?”

I told them that I really want to and I hope to go tonight or tomorrow, because I'm “new in town”, etc etc.

Living in Manhattan Beach is like living in the Twilight Zone. We still live in L.A. but somehow we've managed to move to a place that has this crazy small town, everyone knows your name and your business feel. It's still blowing my mind. Anywhere else in Los Angeles you don't run into people you know constantly. But here...every corner you turn.

So, anywho, I made conversation with the fam and they seemed to take a liking to me. So when they were leaving the guy came up to me and handed me the check, which included his email and he said, “Well, Irene, I'll be at the fair tomorrow...here's my email if you wanna meet up!”

Ha! Ok, so I'm gonna take a chance and I'm totally gonna email him and give him my number and quite possibly go to the fair with him tomorrow. How random but quite fun.

This town...man.

Well, I kept telling my roomies, the guy was quite attractive, there was just something about him that kind of gave me chills. Like, his eyes, they were just very intense, or maybe it was the way he acted with his parents, or who knows what it was, it was strange and I feel like there's something familiar about him as well...

It's weird and I can't describe, but maybe it'll make for a really great story tomorrow!

Lacey and I did a quick run-through of the fair and the “Beer Garden” before she had to head to work. I wish we all had more time to hang out there because it could be a lot of fun.

We ran into many people we knew...surprisingly enough. Including our manager as well as Lacey's most recent hook-up. We had an awkward encounter with the hook-up...um...don't know what was going on there. And we realized we've really moved to a freaking small town.

To quote Lacey: “Get me out of here!!!”

I think I can live here, but I might not be able to go out here...we shall see.

Rape and Roofies...I don't like either.

October 2/3, 2009.

Wow. So this was an unexpected night of first.

Worked all day at the restaurant, wanted to blow my brains out because of how horrible a person the owner of the place is. Just kept reassuring myself...someday, I'll be rewarded and this will all be worth it!

Then came home exhausted and pissed off about stupid unimportant things only to discover that one of my friends is the product of a rape. This, he discovered today. Oh my god, what do you say/do after discovering that?

He is one of the most sweet, gentle, caring, generous people I have ever known in my entire life and I just kept telling him what a gift he has been to his family all these years. Something amazingly, heartstoppingly positive out of something disgusting and terrible.

Wow.

Then, went out with Lacey and some co-workers (one of which was my manager) and I decided to dress as random as possible and pose as a bachelorette for the evening...well! What a way to get free shots! Free shots galore!

And I think Lacey was roofied...

Um, I have no evidence, just the fact that she went from fun drunk to “Oh my god, I can't walk, I think I'm gonna throw up, you have to carry me up the steps to our apartment!” drunk in 0 to 60. It was one of the scariest things I've ever witnessed and thank God, I'm not so drunk that I can't function either. I, along with one of our friends got her up the stairs, into bed, shoes off, blanket on, garbage pail in front of her bed and now she is sort of snoring.

It was insanity! Now, I've seen Lacey drunk, many a nights. Never, ever, ever like this! Never! She could not walk up the stairs, we had to coach her up each step and then I had to talk her down from her panic attack which she was having once she was in bed. Telling her, “It'll pass, it's only temporary.” Because she kept telling me she couldn't move her head or feel her legs (...um roofie?). Yeah...I don't really feel like going out in Hermosa again anytime soon. I just also feel weird that our manager was there...um...awkward.

I don't know. This was definitely a bizarre turn of events. I hope she wakes up tomorrow bright eyed and happy like always. I have never had to take care of someone to that extent. I love that girl and it's funny, because I'm feeling embarrassed for her, and she probably won't even care tomorrow, because that's just how she is.

She is wonderful!

Lesson of the day: Be there for your friends!

911 I need my Self-esteem back!!!

October 1, 2009.

Yay a new month, always exciting...

Something I learned about myself tonight. I am pathetic and have the least amount of confidence I have ever had in my entire life. This needs to stop right here and now.

I got a text from a guy friend that lives down here in M.B. asking if I was still working in the Oaks these days. I replied, “I'm not sure, why?” Because, I honestly don't know if I'm still working up there, my asshole manager didn't put me on the schedule at all this week, because I “didn't give him my schedule.” Even though I told him point blank I would always work wednesday's and saturdays up there...anywho, that's a whole other issue I need not get into at this moment.

Back to the story, so my M.B. friend goes, “One of my friends was up there and said it's Bomb and the girl working there was hot.”

I replied with, “Prolly Nikki, or was it someone hosting?”

And I got all pissed and annoyed because I'm so sick and tired of people telling me that Nikki's hot or that the little underage hostess we have working there is hot. So, I gave him short answers after that to try to end the convo as soon as possible.

Then it hit me.

Maybe that was compliment. Maybe he was referencing the fact that it could've been me, the “hot chick” his friend had seen up there. Man am I pathetic. What is wrong with me??? When did I become so ugly on the inside that I no longer view myself as pretty on the outside?

Ugh...major damage control needs to happen this week! I hate what L.A. has done to me.

* * *

Anywho, tried a new restaurant with the roomies tonight (it being our one month anniversary and all...) It's called Side Door and it's real small and cozy and chic looking. Food was delicious and despite the fact I feel fat these days, I still ate my whole burger and fries along with dessert. Sooo full....

But the food was rather good, check it out if you're ever in M.B.