Marathon's and Short Films

November 22, 2009.

I've been running hills with Lacey through our lovely Manhattan Beach town. It's brutal, but it feels great! We've decided we're gonna participate in the 5k night run in December. I'm psyched! It's gonna be my first marathon! Woohoo! I've got just under a month to get my endurance ready.

Yesterday, work was pretty slow, blah, but Lacey and I decided we wanted to have a fun random night. Well, fun and random it was! I am now very confused about a friendship turned more with a boy in my life. And...his friend, who I drunkenly made out with at the bar last night and thoroughly enjoyed. Now, I'm torn. Especially since the friend is the shyest boy I've ever dealt with and it has taken him forever and a day to make a move...and all we've done is kiss. I don't deal well with slowness.

Anywho, tonight is my first sunday off in awhile. Usually, I'm at an improv rehearsal or at work. I don't know what to do with myself!!!

Took a bath earlier, that was a first at my new apt. Think i'll do that again!

Tomorrow, I'm also excited about because York and I are starting our process of filming a short film that I wrote. Yay! I'm stoked to see how it turns out! Alright...gonna go watch a pageant with Lacey.

Support your local artists/friends

November 19, 2009.

Not too much to report about today. But I thought I'd share some writing with you that I took off of a friend of mine's blog. He's busy traveling the country, making beautiful music and finding himself. All the while recording his thoughts and wisdom to share with the world...hopefully resulting in an incredible book one day. Here's a passage I thought to be rather profound and lovely:

“to be more specific, my current existence makes the most sense in a crowded bar surrounded by friends (new or old), intoxicated just as much by stories and love as by drinks and with sights set on hope. my goal is to be among intelligent people who like talking about dumb things, among family members who aren’t afraid to explain the dirty/darker parts of their current existence, among strangers who realize that being strange is less fun than being familiar. we are all rats in a gutter or jewels on a crown. we are both, always. it’s your decision, and mine as well, to choose to be great, to be loved, to be important. when you make this choice, you win. i would be crazy to think that i was blessed with the best friends in the world. i know i’ve spoken of it before, but the fact of the matter is that they are in fact amazing, and i am in fact lucky to have them in my life. the question, though, is this a mistake? coincidence? i think that while i’ve done some terrible, horrible, reprehensible things in my life, i’ve also loved with my entire heart, given to as many as i can make sense of and hoped for the best for so many, that i’ve been lucky enough to be given some of that back in return. i also have realized that i deserve this. do you know why? i do because we all do. you do. i do. we all do. every fucking one of us. that’s right. so yes, you’ll hear strings. you’ll hear them tonight and tomorrow and hopefully for the rest of your once fucking miserable but quickly bettering life. you’ll realize that this all becomes big, huge, beautiful, like some delicious piece of naan bread puffed to beautiful perfection for us all to sink our teeth into. someday we’ll all realize that this is all bullshit and that is why it’s all beautiful. it’s not until we lose everything that we can have anything.”

I love this boy...he is a gift to the world! Check out his music on myspace: myspace.com/pjbondmusic. I'm shamelessly promoting him because he's incredible and deserves it. Let me know what you think!

Live Dangerously

November 18, 2009.

Went to my meeting with York today. Tried the Asian Noodle Salad from Aroma Cafe...not worth the 13 dollars. Aroma Cafe to me seems to be a cute place to hang out, and somewhere to go if you wanna be seen or to see celebs, but the food is way overpriced for what you get. Haven't fallen in love with something on the menu from there yet...

Then it was off to class. My scene went up third and I was terrified that my teacher would just watch the scene and say, “Wow, you really haven't rehearsed, it was just as boring as last time.” But, instead she told me I did “Nice work” and that I was “more in touch with [my] sexuality.” Last time I apparently was not sexy...at all. Because, I'm terrified to be sexy. It's been forever since someone has told me that I turn them on, or that I'm hot. Therefore, it's hard for me to view myself in that way. So today before class, I tried on many different outfits, trying to find the “sexy” in me.

I uncovered a shirt that I had forgotten I owned. My scene partner's last bit of advice at our last rehearsal was to find something a “little dangerous”. Well, with this shirt on, “Danger” was my first, middle and last name. So, I discarded my self doubt and went with it. It worked!

Also, I learned during the scene that I really need to start taking more chances! At one point, my scene partner grabbed my by my arm, pushed me against the wall, choked me and threatened me with a screwdriver. Sounds crazy right? Well, yes it was, and completely unexpected, but it's exactly what I needed to get out of myself and into the character!!! Live more dangerously!!!

Thank you scene partner! I'm going to do my best to take as many chances as possible with all my characters. How do you think Charlize Theron got where she is today? Definitely not by playing it safe.

Had to cancel dinner with Todd this evening, again. Lacey and I had promised to take out the photographers who did our headshots for free, for dinner. So tonight was the night. We went to Mama D's, an awesome little Italian place on Manhattan Blvd. There are Christmas lights everywhere as well, which is making me a little homesick, but I shall return home for Christmas so it's all good!

Now, it's almost midnight and I'm exhausted, still getting over my sickness, so I'm going to turn in and get lots of rest. Audition in the afternoon tomorrow – wish me luck! And then it's off to an always interesting evening at the restaurant. Wish me luck again – I need the money!

Going My Way...

November 17, 2009.

So the last time I posted I was busy with go-go dancers. Since five days have passed, many interesting things have gone on.

I worked all last weekend and at work I put into action “The Law of Attraction”. I've been listening to the audio cd in my car. My scene partner gave it to me a week ago and I decided it is definitely a time to change my life for the better and start attracting the things I truly want. Those things being:

1)A great relationship
2)A successful acting career
3)Enough money to live stressfree.

Since listening to the tapes I've been in a much more positive mindset about life in general and four men from my past have all of a sudden re-emerged. I received a call from a director from my past who has a part for me in something new, i'll be filming on the 25th and my money woes seems lesser by the day. The law of attraction seems to be working. However, now I must decide which of these guys I really do still want around.

Coffee with Todd went great. I apologized and told him mostly everything I'd been thinking about the situation. He was pretty honest too, which I greatly appreciated. I did leave feeling even more confused, however. We hugged goodbye, I buried my face in his neck and found that I was the one having a hard time letting go.

He has text me since and we've been trying to set up a dinner date, but plans keep getting foiled. Is this a sign? Eek. Tomorrow is possibly our second attempt at dinner, but now I may be taking out a couple of photographers for dinner because they did free headshots for me and Lacey.

New things I am trying this next month or so: I just broke down and ordered SkinID. I am 25 and an actress and I need clear skin. I've had pimples since I was 12 and I'm so over it. I want to be able to go sans makeup every day and feel completely confident about it. So, here I go with a new skin care regimen. I hope it works! And I'll let you know!

Tomorrow I have my meeting with York and class. I'm psyched for both. York and I are going to start filming soon and I can't wait! I've taken a much too long hiatus from filming. Then in class I'm doing my scene and I'm pumped for it, but have no idea how it's going to turn out, because I've just been internalizing it way too much and haven't had much time to actually put it on it's feet. I love my scene partner, he's become like my life manager...he's been in the business for quite awhile and he's really talented and loves to give advice. I love getting advice. And yesterday when we were rehearsing he told me, “You have it, Irene, you're gonna make it. I've got a little invested in you, so don't disappoint me.” It really inspired me to not disappoint him. I want to be fabulous! I'm going to be fabulous! Just you wait! You'll be seeing me on the big screen!


Hope that didn't come off as pompous, it was meant more as a motivational speech for myself! Alright, more adventures to come soon!

Boystown Glory Days

November 12, 2009.

Well, I made out with a stripper last night. Ok, so he wasn't really a stripper, I guess, more of a gogo dancer.

We went to boystown last night to celebrate Nikki's official name change. She got a divorce a few years back and had yet to file the rest of the papers to change her name back to her maiden. So last night it was official and we got officially F*d up.

It was a blast and I remember putting the dollar bill in the very attractive dancers very tiny speedo, and I remember him getting off the stage/podium, whatever it may be and dancing up close to me and I remember him saying in my ear, “I'm gonna get fired for this” as he grabbed my boob.

But, I don't remember walking out of the club informing every passer by, “Those dancers are not gay! Sorry guys!” and I don't remember peeing outside of Carl's Jr. somewhere...and I don't remember climbing into bed and drunk texting one of my guy friends, trying to get him to come over.

Oh alcohol...how I love and hate you so!

It was a fun night and one tidbit I left out was that I text Todd (for those of you who followed my other blog you'll remember he's the one I sort of had a very confusing relationship with that just ended with no explanation, no follow up and no closure.) Well, I text him, “Sometimes I really miss you.” And I expected absolutely no response. However, this morning I received the response, “I more than 'sometimes' miss you. I dream, talk and wonder all the time 'what if'. We were just so up and down. In different places and mind sets and I don't know...ever since I've just written off trying to find a relationship or someone.”

Um...wow. So, we're meeting up for coffee tonight. I'm looking forward to it, mainly because I need closure and I also would like the opportunity to apologize for the way I treated him. I was pretty bad and he didn't deserve it.

Lacey asked, “What if this makes him want to try and start hanging out again?” And honestly...i don't know. I'm kind of expecting to just know when I see him. I'm not really sure how I'm going to feel. We shall see!

But, I guess that's really a story for my old blog and doesn't belong here...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that making out with go go dancers may be fun in the moment, but the next day...you'll kind of feel stupid for doing it. But then again, live life without regret!!!

Back from a Mental Vacay

November 10, 2009.

I have been so unmotivated to write these days. So basically, it's been pure laziness that has been keeping me from posting.

Well, a few things that are new in my life. I went grocery shopping yesterday and I used a ton of coupons. Over $20 in savings when I was checking out. Why have I never done that before? And how much more money could I have right now, in this moment in time if I had been doing that all along? I'm going to try and be a more efficient shopper from this point forward. Coupons make so much sense! And did you know that you can get Ralph's coupons online and print them right at home with your own printer?

I also recently went onto youtube.com to find new workout videos...I was getting tired of my usual Shred. I can only do it so often without hating it. I found a 4-min workout that is pretty damn good. Now, I know that a 4 min workout will not get me where I want to be, but it will inspire me to workout every day. When I'm not in the mood for a 30 min Shred or for a 40 min run by the beach (who doesn't love to do that?) I'll just get myself to at least do the 4min. And it usually inspires me to find another, longer workout and keep going. I think I'm going to try to do the workout every morning, just as a start to my day. I like it!

Also, my scene partner from acting class just gave me an audio book called, “The Law of Attraction” to help me focus on getting what I want from life in every aspect, not just one part of my life, but every part – relationship, career, family, friends, etc. So, I started listening to it on my way home from rehearsal today and I started incorporating it into my thinking while driving and I made it home from Studio City in about 40min, which during rush hour in L.A. is pretty darn incredible!

So, a few things I'm adding to my way of life: frugal shopping habits, quick, inspiring workouts and positive thinking...

What have you all been up to while I've been MIA? Learned something new about your life? Please share!

Old Fashioned Pumpkin Carvin's

October 28, 2009.

Something new today...I tried a new restaurant out. I went to a little italian pizza place on Tujunga with York today instead of our usual Aroma Cafe. It was decent. I love meeting with York, it's like having a weekly therapy session with a good friend. She's great!

Class was good. Left early, but left inspired as usual. Then headed back to M.B. for some good old fashioned festivities with the roomies. We had an impromptu pumpkin carving party with some friends. Loads of fun. Pumpkins, cupcakes, popcorn and booze. Recipe for lots of laughter and great memories.

I just wish I had a boy to end the night with. But what else is new?

I finally get to sleep in tomorrow. I have the whole day free until rehearsal at 3pm in Pasadena. So, I'm gonna work out for an hour...last day to work out until I go to the premiere and I gotta look like hot shit! And then I'm going out tomorrow night to see a friends show and probably pulling an all nighter until my flight on friday which is at 6am...eek.

This weekend is going to be a true test of survival for me. It's a good thing I don't have a boyfriend, because he would feel very neglected and I would be missing him. Too much going on.

Alright, if you haven't already, go carve some pumpkins!

'This is it'

October 27, 2009.

Went to see “This is It” with Lacey right after work this evening. GO SEE IT. That is all. It was awesome. MJ is incredible. And it will inspire you to dance. Inspire you to love. Inspire you to change the world.

Lacey and I were both incredibly inspired...watch out world, get ready to for a change!

De-Stress at the Movies

October 26, 2009.

Tried to get up early to workout this morning, but found myself awake at 5:30am for no apparent reason, so I tried to go back to bed, then found that I didn't want to rise and shine before 8:30. Still managed to get a quick workout in and a shower and not be late for class in the valley today. That was definitely a miracle.

Class went well, then rehearsal with my scene partner for my wednesday class. I think SAM-e is affecting me because I find myself reacting to certain situations differently than I have in the past. I'm not so quick to tear up. I'm not so defensive. I'm a little bit more open and looser, ready for constructive criticism. It's good.

Today's first for me was going to see a movie to avoid rush hour traffic. I got out of my rehearsal at 4:30pm...just in time for stalled traffic. So, instead of getting a numb foot and a headache from siting in frustrating traffic, I went to see “Law Abiding Citizen” in Sherman Oaks. Man, it was a rough movie to watch. I definitely had to close my eyes at certain moments. But, it was more enjoyable than sitting in unbearable traffic.

When I finally headed back to Manhattan Beach it did take me only 35 min.

Was going to go out tonight with Nikki and Lacey, but Lacey's been feeling sick and wants to rest up before Halloween, understandably, but it was disappointing because it's been way too long since the three of us all went out together. Very sad indeed.

Well, hopefully the rest of the week will go smoothly, there's much to do! I'll keep you posted!

Fast Forward/Rewind...I can't seem to get it right!

October 25, 2009

Argh! 4 days of randomness to catch up on. I'll just mention the highlights:

Proud of myself on Friday...had the day off, worked out for an hour (I never do that!!) it was awesome, my body is still feeling it.

Friday night went out with Lacey and realized that we should never, ever try to hang out with all of our guy friends at once. They need too much attention. We invited three different groups of guys to hang with us and they actually all showed up! Then, one by one, left because we couldn't babysit and let's face it, Lacey and I aren't enough for 6 or more guys...wish we were, but we're just not. It was a fun and random night though and I ended the night with the “Bees Knees” again from last weekend.

Although, now I'm kind of wishing I hadn't because, I actually like him and he's just another guy who doesn't text, call or come over. Great. I needed a new one in my life. But, that's a story for another blog...Moving on.

Saturday night, worked. This morning, worked.

Tonight marked the return of my improv group though and I couldn't be more excited! It's about time! I missed working out my improv muscle. I need to do that more often, we were all very very rusty. But we have a show in about 7 weeks, so we're going full force ahead!

Class in the morn and then rehearsal and whatever else the night may bring. This week is going to be a bit hectic and crazy because I'm trying to cram in a lot of stuff before I go out of town for Friday night and before I get stir crazy on Halloween and then have to pay rent and for two acting classes. Ahhh...this is gonna be a tight month! I can't believe October is nearly over. What is going on?

Is someone fast forwarding our world? Stop it! Slow down a bit, please!!!

Ask and ye shall recieve!

October 21, 2009.

Felt great today! Did two scenes in acting class, felt great about 80% of it. Know I still have far to go, but I definitely feel as though I'm gettin' there!

Stopped by my old work in the valley to sit out the rush hour traffic. Made plans with York to get our reel movin' real soon. Also, spoke to Roni, of Roni B. clothing boutique on Ventura Blvd and asked if she'd be cool with us filming in her store. She said she definitely was as long as we give an establishing shot and spread the word...so word is being spread! I'm so psyched! Ask and ye shall receive!

It's gonna be awesome! The next two months are going to be filled with filming and I couldn't be more happy about it!

Then I had to return to M.B. to go to a meeting at the new restaurant. Ugh. It wasn't as bad as I expected though. Our manager's pretty cool and easy going. I work tomorrow and am happy about it, since I need the money asap.

And, last but not least, of all the good news I got today here comes the kicker...

So, I'm leaving town next friday to go to my movie premiere in Chicago. The director called me today, sounding shocked and confused and after giving me a heart attack that something might be very wrong, he informed me that he had entered the film in a film festival and it won a few awards. One of them being Best Supporting Actress: Moi!!

I was beaming! This is amazing news and could mean so many great things for the film as well as me! I'm not allowed to tell anyone yet, because the director wants to announce this at the premiere as a surprise to all. Including my amazingly loving family that is so willingly coming out to see the movie!

Wow. Great, great day!

Alright, I'm off to watch a movie and pass out! Night!

Driving across L.A.

October 20, 2009.

Another exhausting day of driving around L.A. Two rehearsals, one in NoHo, one in Beverly Hills and then finally down to Santa Monica for my audition.

Rehearsals went well. Audition went ok. It was just kind of a strange audition and there was another actress auditioning along with me who kind of just rambled on about a bad scene in the script and I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible and leave on a good note, but, yeah, anywho, it was kind of awkward.

Took myself to lunch before my audition, treated myself to a glass of wine, half a salad and dessert. I felt spoiled.

I got home around 4:30 and was just plain pooped. I did end up buying a pack of SAM-e today, and took my first pill. So...we shall see! I can't imagine what it feels like to be normal. Will I even notice a change? Today I definitely felt my cloud of sadness. It gave me a headache all day long. And it almost put me in tears when both my roommates were MIA due to being out with boys.

I was supposed to go see some stand-up this evening with my roomies and whoever else wanted to join, but pretty much everyone ditched, even though they originally said they were going. I was kind of annoyed by this, especially by Nikki, who doesn't hang out with us anymore. She's too busy with her boy, even thought before he came into her life she was all, “my girls come first...”. Well, Nikki, it's been about a month since we hung out and we're roommates. How does that happen?

Anywho, just spent the rest of my evening on the couch. It was needed. I have class tomorrow and am actually kind of nervous about it. I forget that acting is fun and I view it more technically than I should and get all sorts of freaked out. I have a really fun scene to do tomorrow and I just know I'm going to over think it and make it technical and BORING. God, Irene!!! Just let go!!!!!!!!! Have fun!!!!!!!!! Love what you do!!!!!!!!

Ok, sorry, I need to scold myself real quick for a moment.

Alright, it's only 10pm and I think I'm actually off to bed. I'm just plain tired and I actually get to sleep in a little tomorrow, so if I go to bed now and sleep a good long time, then I'll still be up fairly early.

Buenos Noches!

SAM-e

October 18, 2009

Well, I made it to every single appointment/commitment I had scheduled today. I felt accomplished. And also very sad.

My audition tomorrow is for a cheesy slasher film and I really want to get it, only because it pays and it's a lead, so I'd get tons of experience and pay for doing what I love, even if the movie isn't going anywhere. So, I worked on it this morning in my auditioning class. There's a part where I'm supposed to be pretty upset and start crying and my teacher totally got me to a point where I was about to cry and then told me, “You're scared to go there.”

I am. I'm super scared to go there. I just feel like I've spent so much of my life being sad that I hate doing scenes where I have to cry because I don't want to spend another moment of my life crying. But, I need to totally go there and use it to my advantage.

Then I had private coaching later this afternoon with my other teacher and she didn't say I needed to actually work up the tears. She actually went about the work very different than my first teacher. Which I appreciate, because it gives me a couple different ways to play the scene. However, she likes to dig real deep into peoples real lives, only then she feels like she gets her students and knows where to take them and their work.

She looks right into me and always makes me cry. It was like I was at a therapy sessions divulging things I didn't even know I felt. For example (I'll share a bit with you all), I feel resentful because my dad passed away when I was 17 and most of his life he was a very sad man. I loved my father very much and all I wanted was to see him experience life how he wanted to. I just wanted him to be happy. Well, my mother asked for a divorce right before he passed and as soon as they were separated she was already dating other people. Now, eight years later, she's remarried and living with a man who takes pride in how thin his wife is.

Back story. My father was always obese. He died because of it. Now, I have a stepfather who is obsessed with the fact that my mom weighs 105 lbs (this is not an exaggeration) and freaks out if she gains as much as three pounds. This has made my mother neurotic about being thin. After years of being on the South Beach Diet, she now is on Weight Watchers.

Well, in my “therapy” session today, I learned that I think I'm very angry at this warped situation. Here my father is completely gone from my life because of his weight and my mom is now with a man who cares way too much about her weight. All of this makes me feel really bad about myself.

My teacher thinks/knows I'm depressed. I have been for most my life. I've just never wanted it diagnosed I guess because then it becomes something I have to medicate. I try so hard, every day to conceal my sadness, but apparently it's really affecting my acting work and my social life in a negative way. So, it's time I took a stand and said, “No more!”

I'm going tomorrow to buy SAM-e. It's a natural way of fighting off depression. Hopefully within a week I'll notice a change in my mood. Maybe I'll be a more bubbly person. Someone people will be drawn to. We shall see.

Now, I have to use my deep, dark sadness tomorrow during my audition and hope it doesn't ruin my mood for the rest of the day. I better nail this freaking part! Argh!!!!

Natural High

October 18th, 2009.

I already broke my promise of being more responsible at blogging every day. Eek. This weekend I have a good excuse though. I've been working crazy hours due to the fact that half of our staff has been out of town for the entire week. So there!

Last night, however, I did something out of my norm. I went to a bar by myself. My partner in crime, Lacey, is still out of town and my other partner in crime, Nikki hasn't been feeling well. But, I was in the mood to be social! So, I had received a text from one of the many Aussie's I've met since moving here, informing me that he was out with people at Shellback's. And to Shellback's I went!

I had such a good time and believe it or not, I ran into a lot of people I knew. God, this is such a small town. But the Aussie and his crew were all there and for some reason, I just felt this glow about me and apparently the men noticed it too, because I was being complimented right and left. And luck would have it that a guy, who I've met before and think is the bees knees was there and we were just drawn to eachother all night...and into the morning.

Don't worry, I'm still a “virgin” (44 days and going strong...will I make it to 50?), but I did get some pretty great kisses last night (and into the morning). And to top it off, I think this guy is a millionaire. No joke. Not that that's important to me, but it would definitely be something new and exciting to deal with.

That's all the details I'm giving for now, because 1) I don't want to get my hopes up...and 2) I don't want to jinx anything.

Worked all day today, then came home and have been prepping for an upcoming audition. I have my day crammed full of acting tomorrow and I couldn't be more stoked. Rehearsal #1 at 9am in Studio City, Acting Class at 11am in NoHo, Private Coaching in prep for my audition at 3pm, then Rehearsal #2 at 6pm in Echo Park. Love it! I'm going to be creatively exhausted tomorrow night and feel glorious!

I seriously get a high from acting and studying my acting. I should be sleeping but I'm wound from preparing my many scenes. I love this feeling.

What gives you a natural high?? Go spend an hour doing it! No pun intended...

I'm likeable!

October 16, 2009

I've just exploded with too many things to do these days! I can't seem to keep much straight.

Yesterday, I worked all day long and then sat with Nikki while she did the late night at the restaurant. I went to bed feeling kind of lame about myself again last night.

This morning I got up, not nearly as early as I should've. I had to be in Studio City by 11am and didn't leave M.B. until 10:30am. And it's friday, so traffic was horrendous! I had to cancel the rehearsal I had for class. But, I did manage to make it to my audition all the way up in Santa Clarita on time.

Don't mean to toot my own horn, but I think I blew the audition out of the water...we shall see! It was my first audition with my new haircut, so if I do perchance get it, I'm taking it as a very good sign!

I decided today that I no longer go on auditions. I get cast. I get the part. I film. Every day. If possible. I'm on a serious mission.

And on the drive home, in the two hours it took me sitting in traffic, I realized that I've been really shitty to myself and the people around me. I need to start liking me more. And, when I got to work, I put that thought into action and guess what??? I got the best tips I've ever gotten to date. And, none of my tables had complaints. None of them seemed snobby to me. And you know why I think it was? Because I liked me!!! I enjoyed being me! I thought my hair looked cute, I looked cute, I was fun and witty and likeable. Where has that girl been the past few weeks??? She really went into hiding. Well, she's back and she's not going anywhere for awhile.

Gotta hit the hay, I have an early rehearsal tomorrow then another long day at work. Blah! I won't miss another day of blogging...i, er, um, sort of promise...

Friendships are two sided

October 14, 2009.

Today I learned that a) I need to become more confident despite my short hair and b) I need to be a better friend to people despite living way down far yonder.

Got up and worked out this morning (yay shred!) It's my goal to look stunning by Oct. 30th for my movie premiere as well as for the audition I have on Oct. 31st, where I need to be a hottie that walks into a bar and makes every man drool. Right...well, at least I'll feel really good about my body in a couple weeks.

I had class at 2pm. Sadly no business meeting with York this week, she's out of town for a wedding. But, I did set up plans for new headshots, thanks to my scene partner who's trying to build her photography portfolio. And a private coaching with my teacher, which will cost me a fortune, but I have an audition on tuesday for a feature and I'm ready to start booking roles rather than just auditioning for them. I'm ready!!! So, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to kick some ass, even if it means I'm breaking the bank to do it!

After class, I did some therapy shopping. Bought some cute clothes that will hopefully distract people from my hair...or at least make me feel like I look cute.

Then I made a play date with Adain. We always randomly text one another and have randomly hooked up in the past (almost on labor day), but we are friends nonetheless, so I figured, while I'm in the valley, I might as well put in some time with old friends, such as Adain.

We went to go see 'The Invention of Lying'. It was a decent movie. It was kind of funny because the whole premise is about a world where everyone tells the truth and if that were the case in our world, I kept thinking, what would I really be saying to Adain right now?

“I don't really know why I asked you to come to the movies with me tonight. Maybe it was because I was considering having sex with you to make me feel better after chopping off my beautiful sexy hair, leaving me feeling unattractive and unconfident, but now that we're hanging out, I'm reminded of all the things that irritate me about you and we are definitely not going to have sex tonight. So now I feel a little awkward sitting in this theater with you, wondering what you're expecting or thinking is going to happen tonight.”

That probably wouldn't have gone over so well, huh?

Well, I am glad I met up with him. It's important I do things with other people every once in awhile, so that my roomies aren't my only source of socialization. Maybe every Wednesday if I'm not working, I'll make a habit out of visiting a friend from the valley. That would be fun!

Came home to an empty apartment, Nikki was dropping Lacey off at the airport. She's gonna be gone for the rest of the week. I don't know what I'm gonna do without her! We've been bosom buddies since moving in. Nikki's been a little anti-social. So maybe this will get Nikki to come out of her room a bit more and we can have some bonding time while Lacey's away.

Have to work tomorrow, but I'm getting up at decent time and getting my sweat on! No more excuses from this girl! I'm doing it full out (at least until the 30th)!

Go call a friend!

Found $20

October 13, 2009.

Found $20 on my run today. This is what I did with it:

Bought medicine for my roomie $3.99
Gatorade and Water for me and Lacey after our run $4
Donated $5 to Breast Cancer (plus change)
Bought sun-dried tomatoe spread for Lacey and I at the Farmer's Market $7

Then, the guy at the market was super nice and thought I was cute, so he threw in extra stuff with our purchase. Karma.

This day turned out to be great.

My favorite part? Lacey and I went on a 4mi run and on the way home, instead of running we pumped up our ipods and danced the entire way. People were scared. We were happy. Break away from the norm more often! Do something unexpected! Your happiness will be rewarded!

What would you do with a free $20?

Turkey Artichoke

October 13, 2009.

Alright, alright, so yes I was being melodramatic the other day. I just hated the thought of not having my hair back until next summer!

I actually got up yesterday for class and did my bangs and did my hair (then decided to pull it back into the worlds smallest ponytail) and I got quite a few compliment from my classmates at class and then at rehearsal after, so it made me a bit more hopeful. My biggest problem right now though is just my headshots and that may not even be much of a problem for too much longer. My acting class partner said she'd take pictures for me. Perfect!

I just need a few to get by until my hair grows out. Then I can go back to the old ones, if I still like the message they're sending.

Yesterday put me in a better mood. Still, it will be a challenging month. Went to see 'Zombieland' with Lacey last night. Good movie, go see it! Emma Stone is my new hero and I want to be her. She always plays awesome roles that I could totally do. And she's cute but she's no “Hollywood hottie”, she just manages to make her career on her talent. Like everyone should.

For new things I tried yesterday, I tried a new sandwich at Panera. Gross. Turkey Artichoke. Never again.

And as for last night we invited a guy to come over and chill with us that we had met at the restaurant the other night when I was working the late night. He's super fun and super adorable. Nikki keeps telling us that one of us needs to “claim” him. I keep telling her that I don't want to because we need some guy friends that are just friends. And personally I feel that if one of us “claims” him and we jump into something and it doesn't work out, well there goes a potential really great friend. If something's meant to be between him and one of us (God, I hate that Lacey and I are so alike) then it will develop over time and be ten times more meaningful than if we just “bed him” now.

I'm over jumping in. I'm ready to take my sweet time. I want a boyfriend, not a plaything.

Well, we had a lot of fun last night with a bottle of wine and a few rounds of “Apples to Apples”. Hope we do that again soon.

Today, I have the day off, but I am doing a couple of rehearsals for acting class as well as my female quartet. So, it will be a creatively fulfilling day. I should definitely work out somewhere in there as well. I was hoping for a dance class in this area, but damn this is a small town with very few choices.

Alright...onward and upward and don't get the Turkey Artichoke Sandwich from Panera.

I'm ugly.

October 11, 2009.

I'm officially the ugly friend. I feel like I've lost all my sexuality and power and I just want to hide under a rock and not come out until my hair has grown back.

I've been depressed all day. I can't stand my hair. I don't know how I'm supposed to have any self-esteem at all when I look in the mirror and see myself. Now, I'm not only uninteresting, but I'm unattractive.

Ok, sure, I'm being a bit dramatic, but I don't know what else to do. This is just no good. It's going to take months for my hair to grow back and my bangs to grow out. So, I've got months of low self-esteem to look forward to. Hoorah. If I thought getting a boyfriend was hard before, just wait.

This completely and utterly sucks. I have to go to acting class tomorrow and play a character that is powerful and sexy and all I can think to do is hide under a hat and cry. I don't think I'm even allowed to wear a hat in class tomorrow, so now I'm really screwed. I just want to stay home.

It's really that bad. I just don't want to go anywhere until my hair grows back. I'm uber, uber depressed.

Just went out with Lacey tonight and of course we thought all the same guys were hot and of course not any of them were interested in me. She was even being rather tame this evening and not forcing herself on any of them, and yet, they still end up asking for her number, not mine. I am the ugly, uninteresting friend. Awesome.

I'm going to try to get up tomorrow and work out and turn my negative attitude into a more constructive positive one, it's just so freaking hard when you live with a model who has a steady relationship, and a girl who's almost just like you in every way and gets all the guys your attracted to without even trying. I hate that I feel like I need a man in my life to reaffirm my value, but right now, that's what I need. It's been too long since I've had someone tell me I was beautiful or want to kiss and hold me. It's been forever.

I hate feeling worthless. That's how I feel right now. It's the worst. I need to go to bed. Goodnight.

New Haircut

October 10, 2009.

Haircut day...what a disaster!!! Thank goodness for great friends like Lacey.

It all started at 9am when I went to my haircut appointment at Bob Roy's. I brought a picture of what I was hoping for and told her I didn't want to look like twins with my roomie, who just got her hair cut with bangs and layers. I also told her that I needed to keep the length, so that my headshots still work.

The cutting began. Cut. There goes six inches. Cut. There goes another six inches. Cut. Now I have bangs. Snip, snip, cut, cut. Done. I look like Lacey's twin. Fuck my life.

I had to run off to work, so I really couldn't stay and ask her to fix it. But at work I was so miserable. It looks exactly like the cut I got when I was in 7th grade, thick straight bangs, and shoulder length hair. It looked horrendous. Lacey came right over to tell me, “It looks good! It's cute!” and everything else a good friend is supposed to say when their other friend is facing a crisis.

Well, after a terrible day at work, I just couldn't stand the thought of living with this awful haircut, so Lacey accompanied me back down to the salon where I got my haircut to see if they could salvage it by any means. We walked in and there was the woman who cut my hair, sitting right there at the front desk, great.

So, I simply said, “So, my hair looks just like my roomies, is there any way we can change it up a little?” And she just looked at me and said, “Ooh, no, we'd have to wait for the bangs to grow out.”

Then Lacey tried, “Well, could we put like some more choppy layers in it or something?”

The stylist, still not moving, said, “Well, we need to keep the length don't we?”

I couldn't believe she wasn't jumping all over trying to make an unsatisfied customer happy!!! She was basically telling us that there was nothing we could do to make my hair look better. Excuse me?? You messed up my hair, you better damn well fix it!!!

We left Bob Roy's absolutely appalled by how they treated us. We looked for the closest salon and found “Hush” right around the corner. We went in and declared our state of emergency. They were super nice and got me right in. They couldn't believe my hair or how I was treated and they came up with a number of solutions that could take care of the problem.

And an hour and half later, I have an incredibly cute haircut and am in such a better mood! Now, granted, I probably have to get new headshots, but all in all, it ended up well.

I just could not believe that other stylist. They lost two customers today. Bad customer service...gets you nowhere.

Ooh, I think my pizza's here...off to fill my grumbly tummy! Then possibly off to Oktoberfest tonight! We shall see...

Don't settle for bad hair! No matter the cost!

Raging Hormones

October 9, 2009.

Hormones. I hate them. I've been on the verge of tears all day for absolutely no reason at all. I almost cried because the reception in my apartment was so bad I couldn't make an appointment to get my hair done. So, I walked down to the salon and almost cried when they told me they couldn't fit me in until tomorrow. I made an appointment and while walking home I text Lacey my misfortune and she replied and when I went to respond to her text my phone shut off, like it's been doing for the past six months. I almost cried. Then, I decided to go watch a movie, I've been dying to see '(500) Days of Summer' so I was gonna take myself on a date, but I couldn't find the theater and by the time I found it I was too late and couldn't find the parking lot for the theater...I almost cried.

What the hell?

Today was my day off and I spent 90% of it almost crying. Pathetic.

I get my hair done in the morning...I'm psyched about that. Then it's off to work for a few hours, then an audition and quick shoot for a movie that's being submitted to the Berlinale in Berlin. Interesting...so I have things to look forward to and nothing to be sad about. Tomorrow will be better!

Busy Bee

October 8th, 2009.

Life has been a bit busy these past few days! I've missed a bit...let's play some catch up, shall we? Wednesday had my morning business meeting with York. I'm so pumped every time we meet, it just reassures me that things are happening and life is going to take off very, very soon.

She told me not to go to my callback tomorrow. And, it at first upset me, but the more I thought about it, the more she's right. The deal with is was it's for a network show, so I would potentially be a character on the show for a whole season, however, there's nudity involved. I actually worked up the nerve to ask my acting teacher when class was over and she said, “As an actress, I would never lock down something I wasn't proud of.” And she's exactly right. I wasn't going to be proud of this if I did go through with it. It's not something I would want my mom to see. I always want my mom to see and admire my work as an artist and I just don't think I could bring myself to even tell her about it. So, I hung up my hopes of my t.v. debut and decided it'll happen for me soon. In another more wholesome way. I'm happy.

I did my scene in class yesterday and my teacher was quite pleased, which again just reinforces that I am on the right path. I'm doing something right. I got assigned a new scene and scene partner. I'm in trouble...he's way cute. And we have to kiss in our scene. Score! I mean...um trouble....

Then I rushed off to another audition that I bombed. And I'm not just being modest, my whole heart was left behind in the car so I just walked in and didn't even try. I don't know why, I just completely took myself out of the competition. Bummer.

Then it was off to my theater company's first meeting after a long haitus. I was super excited to be there with other creative people again who are all there for the love of the craft and not for the money. I found out some great news too...all of us creative people who are not in it for the money are now going to be able to get paid because we are officially a theater company that can accept grants from this point on! Hoorah!! That is really terrific news.

From the meeting I came back to wonderful Manhattan Beach and went out with my roomies and one of our coworkers to Shark's Cove. I got drunk. Damn. We were bought two rounds of shots and met some interesting men, then pigged out on some food from the Kettle on the way home. I was drunk.

This morning I got up fairly early to meet with my scene partner. Adorable. I hope he's not gay. Or has a girlfriend. I hope he's single and straight. After which it was back home to take a nap. I'm tired!!

Worked alllllll night from 5pm to 2:30am. I got stuck with the late shift and my wonderful roomies stayed with me the whole time. I love them! We got some business to come in and buy our food. I made a bit more in tips. We met some new friends. It was a decent night. Now though, I am quite exhausted and we may be meeting Lacey's family for breakfast tomorrow morn, that is if we can all get up. We shall see. We shall see...

I love leading a busy life, I just hope I can keep everything straight and give 100% to everything and not falter.

Up too long....

October 6, 2009.

Woke up before the sun rose, worked out, showered and headed off to planned parenthood for a nice two hour wait. Oh, how I love free medical service.

Then it was off to work for the next 8 hours of my life. I'm telling you, I have never ever been more motivated to get the f out of customer service than I am now. It's actually working wonders on my creativity output! Hooray for hating your day job!!

I guess I don't have too much to report for today. Things are going well, I'm busy with my acting all week, which is thrilling and gives me a reason to keep paying my bills so that I can keep living in L.A.

Um...I'm off to the grocery store and then back home again, home again to work out before bed and write some more good stuff!

Tomorrow I'll have more interesting things to say...maybe!

Positively Positive

October 5, 2009.

Today was great. Sort of.

Went back to an acting class I haven't been to in about two months (due to lack of funds) and felt super uber confident and happy with my work. Then I went on a shopping spree at Urban Outfitters (God, I love that store) and bought an incredibly adorable new dress to wear on my audition this evening.

It did the trick. I got a callback (second audition, that's a good thing) for this friday and if I get cast...well, I'm gonna be part of the next season of a show, but the title will remain confidential (sorry!). So, keep your fingers crossed on friday for me!

Then when I got home I received more good news about my acting career, a director emailed me requesting that I come in for an audition this saturday for his upcoming project as well as do a quick shoot on saturday for a project he's currently filming. Sweet! I'm there!

My horoscope did say October would be a great month for my career! I'm stoked and couldn't be happier with the way things are going acting-wise.

However, the part of my life that always gives me aches and pains...men. Ugh. Those of you who've read my previous blog know of Seattle. Well, Seattle struck again. I even hate writing about him because I feel like the only reason he enters my life is in hopes of being a part of my blog (yes, he still reads it.)

But, my problem is, why is it so hard for women to get past things? I know we need closure, but what kind of closure are we looking for? Seattle and I tried the friends thing. It didn't work for me. I tried the hateful thoughts thing. It doesn't work for me. Seattle's got a girlfriend now...clearly he's moved on. Why can't I?

I think what it is is that I'm taking out my anger toward men, all men, specifically, out on Seattle, he's just an easy target. He's the last guy I had genuine feelings for and that I thought had genuine feelings for me. I guess that's my problem, that whole situation makes me feel so unlovable. Arghghggghhh!! I don't want to write about this stuff anymore, that's why I stopped “Year of My Fake Engagement”. It does me no good! So I need to just focus on the positive, my career.

Focus on the POSITIVE!!!

Awkward First Date

October 4, 2009.

Well today was definitely one for my book of firsts. I went on an awkward first date with that guy I met at the restaurant.

He's a marine.

Just got back from Iraq 6mo's ago.

Very conservative. (I'm very liberal)

Calls me “sweety” or “baby”.

Is gonna think of something fun for us to do this wednesday. (I might not go.)

This just constantly makes me feel as if there is something wrong with me. I meet guy after guy and none of them click. Was dating always this hard? Or does it just become harder when you know what you want and refuse to settle? I think I answered my own question.

I mean I had a good time with the Marine. I wouldn't call it a great time. It was quite dull at moments. We did walk around the Hometown Fair, checked out some art, took a political quiz (to discover which end of the spectrum we were on...um, complete opposites), then he walked with me to work and had a beer until I had to clock in. He's nice. He's quirky. He's got tattoes. I just feel like I had to force a lot of the conversation, a lot of the time.

Then there was work. Oh God how I loathe my job. I seriously wanted to shoot myself and actually considered just walking out. But these chains, oh dear Lord, these chains that bind me...called rent, bills, gas money, acting classes. I couldn't leave.

It was F*ing Chuck e Cheese in the restaurant tonight. Every table I got had about three to six kids and I couldn't move a foot without tripping over a babydoll stroller.

I don't like kids. Especially misbehaved kids. Misbehaved Parents are even worse and I had my fair share of them this evening as well. Customer Service sucks my balls, excuse the foul language, but it's helping me to vent about work!

I just have to keep telling myself, someday it will all be over and done with. No more waiting tables, no more fake smiles, no more “Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot, I didn't realize you needed me to wipe your ass as well as put the food into your mouth, because you are incapable of doing so yourself, your drinks are on me!”

GET ME OUT OF HERE! This is the strongest motivation I have ever had to get my acting career on its feet and high into the air! Hollywood here I...no, Hollywood, I'm right here! Notice me!!

Everyone should have to serve food at some point in their lives, the world would be a better place and I wholeheartedly believe that. Good night.

Hometown Fair

October 3, 2009.

Ok, so today has a few more happy notes than that of yesterdays post. Worked this morning, got up sleepy as all get out, so I threw on clothes, didn't shower and just did my makeup real nice so that no one would assume...

Had a table today that consisted of a guy and his parents. Very sweet family. And every time I brought something over for them, they were uber gracious and thankful and so nice. Then I casually asked, “So are you going to the hometown fair?” It's going on today and tomorrow and I've heard lots about it, so I figured, I'd make chit chat. The parents immediately said no, but the guy kind of eyed me and asked, “Are you going?”

I told them that I really want to and I hope to go tonight or tomorrow, because I'm “new in town”, etc etc.

Living in Manhattan Beach is like living in the Twilight Zone. We still live in L.A. but somehow we've managed to move to a place that has this crazy small town, everyone knows your name and your business feel. It's still blowing my mind. Anywhere else in Los Angeles you don't run into people you know constantly. But here...every corner you turn.

So, anywho, I made conversation with the fam and they seemed to take a liking to me. So when they were leaving the guy came up to me and handed me the check, which included his email and he said, “Well, Irene, I'll be at the fair tomorrow...here's my email if you wanna meet up!”

Ha! Ok, so I'm gonna take a chance and I'm totally gonna email him and give him my number and quite possibly go to the fair with him tomorrow. How random but quite fun.

This town...man.

Well, I kept telling my roomies, the guy was quite attractive, there was just something about him that kind of gave me chills. Like, his eyes, they were just very intense, or maybe it was the way he acted with his parents, or who knows what it was, it was strange and I feel like there's something familiar about him as well...

It's weird and I can't describe, but maybe it'll make for a really great story tomorrow!

Lacey and I did a quick run-through of the fair and the “Beer Garden” before she had to head to work. I wish we all had more time to hang out there because it could be a lot of fun.

We ran into many people we knew...surprisingly enough. Including our manager as well as Lacey's most recent hook-up. We had an awkward encounter with the hook-up...um...don't know what was going on there. And we realized we've really moved to a freaking small town.

To quote Lacey: “Get me out of here!!!”

I think I can live here, but I might not be able to go out here...we shall see.

Rape and Roofies...I don't like either.

October 2/3, 2009.

Wow. So this was an unexpected night of first.

Worked all day at the restaurant, wanted to blow my brains out because of how horrible a person the owner of the place is. Just kept reassuring myself...someday, I'll be rewarded and this will all be worth it!

Then came home exhausted and pissed off about stupid unimportant things only to discover that one of my friends is the product of a rape. This, he discovered today. Oh my god, what do you say/do after discovering that?

He is one of the most sweet, gentle, caring, generous people I have ever known in my entire life and I just kept telling him what a gift he has been to his family all these years. Something amazingly, heartstoppingly positive out of something disgusting and terrible.

Wow.

Then, went out with Lacey and some co-workers (one of which was my manager) and I decided to dress as random as possible and pose as a bachelorette for the evening...well! What a way to get free shots! Free shots galore!

And I think Lacey was roofied...

Um, I have no evidence, just the fact that she went from fun drunk to “Oh my god, I can't walk, I think I'm gonna throw up, you have to carry me up the steps to our apartment!” drunk in 0 to 60. It was one of the scariest things I've ever witnessed and thank God, I'm not so drunk that I can't function either. I, along with one of our friends got her up the stairs, into bed, shoes off, blanket on, garbage pail in front of her bed and now she is sort of snoring.

It was insanity! Now, I've seen Lacey drunk, many a nights. Never, ever, ever like this! Never! She could not walk up the stairs, we had to coach her up each step and then I had to talk her down from her panic attack which she was having once she was in bed. Telling her, “It'll pass, it's only temporary.” Because she kept telling me she couldn't move her head or feel her legs (...um roofie?). Yeah...I don't really feel like going out in Hermosa again anytime soon. I just also feel weird that our manager was there...um...awkward.

I don't know. This was definitely a bizarre turn of events. I hope she wakes up tomorrow bright eyed and happy like always. I have never had to take care of someone to that extent. I love that girl and it's funny, because I'm feeling embarrassed for her, and she probably won't even care tomorrow, because that's just how she is.

She is wonderful!

Lesson of the day: Be there for your friends!

911 I need my Self-esteem back!!!

October 1, 2009.

Yay a new month, always exciting...

Something I learned about myself tonight. I am pathetic and have the least amount of confidence I have ever had in my entire life. This needs to stop right here and now.

I got a text from a guy friend that lives down here in M.B. asking if I was still working in the Oaks these days. I replied, “I'm not sure, why?” Because, I honestly don't know if I'm still working up there, my asshole manager didn't put me on the schedule at all this week, because I “didn't give him my schedule.” Even though I told him point blank I would always work wednesday's and saturdays up there...anywho, that's a whole other issue I need not get into at this moment.

Back to the story, so my M.B. friend goes, “One of my friends was up there and said it's Bomb and the girl working there was hot.”

I replied with, “Prolly Nikki, or was it someone hosting?”

And I got all pissed and annoyed because I'm so sick and tired of people telling me that Nikki's hot or that the little underage hostess we have working there is hot. So, I gave him short answers after that to try to end the convo as soon as possible.

Then it hit me.

Maybe that was compliment. Maybe he was referencing the fact that it could've been me, the “hot chick” his friend had seen up there. Man am I pathetic. What is wrong with me??? When did I become so ugly on the inside that I no longer view myself as pretty on the outside?

Ugh...major damage control needs to happen this week! I hate what L.A. has done to me.

* * *

Anywho, tried a new restaurant with the roomies tonight (it being our one month anniversary and all...) It's called Side Door and it's real small and cozy and chic looking. Food was delicious and despite the fact I feel fat these days, I still ate my whole burger and fries along with dessert. Sooo full....

But the food was rather good, check it out if you're ever in M.B.

Silhouette of a Surfer....

September 30, 2009.

Today, I was overwhelmed by the silhouette of a surfer gliding across the dark waves that crashed onto the beach underneath the orange sky that was waving farewell to another day. It was breathtaking.

I went for a run when I got back from class before the sky went completely black. I ran to the pier and back and then had the urge to run in the sand. I took my sneakers off, put my feet in the cool sand and went to the swing set. I swung as I watched the sun sink low and listened to Norah Jones on my ipod. It was awesome. Then I walked closer to the water.

There is a Tsunami warning right now for the west coast and it is making the waves do this incredible dance which the surf population down here just can't resist. I need a board.

Then, I sprinted back across the beach to my street and danced my way up to my apartment, bare feet and all. This is the life. I feel lucky.

Money is Happiness Limited.

September 27, 2009.

Another random Manhattan Beach night...worked 5pm to close tonight. It was quite crazy. Made some more money. Realized there comes a point when you just don't want any more money...at least, I get to that point. I'm done, thank you! I have enough. At least for a few days.

Went out with the roomies and honorary roomie (Nikki's boy) after work. Got some grub and some drinks. Learned that carrots and bbq sauce make an awesome combination. Delicious...you should try it!

Then, I had told the Aussie that I would meet him and his crew out at Poncho's for karaoke. I wasn't really feelin' it, but Lacey agreed to join, so we went. We got there right at last call. I realized, unfortunately, that I'm really not attracted to the Aussie, but his friend Peter...wow. Way cute. Of course, Lacey thought so, too. But, I did notice that after I told her that I thought he was cute, she didn't seem to “try” to get his attention. I appreciate that.

But, I was the “taken” one on the arm of the Aussie, so I did notice that Peter kept eyeing Lacey. She was the single girl there.

Anywho, we had a really fun evening with some really great people unexpectedly. I learned today also that it's good to go outside of my comfort zone. I need to do that more often. I'm glad we went.

Tomorrow I don't have to work (thank god!!!) but I have two rehearsals. Which I'm looking forward to because it will remind me what I'm really here to do. So glad I won't be serving up ribs with a side of corn and cornbread today! Ugh!

Go after what makes you happy and forget about money! It can only make you happy to a point!

Walk of...shame-less-ness?

August 26, 2009.

Wow, I didn't realize I had missed so many days! Well, I don't have too much to report. I've basically spent the majority of the past three days working nonstop. Which is awesome, because 1)I'll be able to afford rent in a week and 2)well...I'll be able to afford rent in a week.

The new restaurant opened and I've been there the past three days. It's been fun, stressful, annoying, hard, easier, a whole compilation of things. But overall, I think I'm gonna like it.

Last night was another one for the books. Lacey and I worked till about 11pm, then decided that despite our exhaustion, we were still gonna make the most of the night (being Friday and all) and go out somewhere.

We were hanging outside of the restaurant, having a beer and a smoke when a car pulled up and these guys got out and just sat down with us. We all pretended to know one another being goofy, saying, “There you are! We were wondering if you were gonna show up! We were worried you had stood us up!” And they were super fun and played along. So we decided that after we went home to change, we'd give 'em a call and meet up with them.

Now, here in lies the problem. Lacey and I have pretty much the exact same taste in guys. It sucks. So, after we had met those guys, Lacey goes, “Ooh, Jeremy...” and I knew we were thinking the same thing. I do not compete for guys. I repeat, I do not compete for guys. Especially with a friend. So, that's the moment I knew she was going to make out with Jeremy that night and I was gonna be stuck with the others. Bummer.

Well, we ran home to change and then headed to “downtown” Manhattan Beach. We didn't even make it into a bar before we ran into yet another group of friendly people. Mostly Australian and they convinced us to join them at Shelback, the bar they were heading to. Perfect. So, we tagged along with them, meanwhile, one of the guys and I kept joking about getting married so that he could get his green card.

Now, I hate how my drunken mind works. Long story short, we had a great time at the bar, we met a lot of people (as usual, I don't know how we do it!) and made some new friends. Jeremy and his friends found us there around closing time, so we were all gonna go hang out somewhere. Well, I hadn't (at least I thought I hadn't) totally lost my chance with him yet, so I was up for hanging. We were rounding everyone up and I turned around and saw Lacey and Jeremy making out.

When I'm drunk and unhappy, my defense mechanism is to just go. I don't care where, just as far from where I am at that moment as possible. So, I grabbed the Aussie's hand and we headed back to his friends where he's staying. He doesn't live here, he's just visiting.

Lacey and I had promised not to separate, especially since I didn't have my phone on me, but my drunken mind just couldn't stand the thought of watching her and Jeremy be all over eachother all night.

Ok, well, this post will be way too long if I go into much detail, so I'll try to keep it short.

I really wasn't attracted to the Aussie, but he was the solution to my problem at the moment. He was super nice, such a gentlemen (believe it or not). We went back to the house, it was ridiculous...i didn't know people really lived in places like this...wish I had gotten some pics. We sat out on the deck and chatted, hung out with his “roomies”, then decided it was time for bed. I just assumed we'd be having sex. Because, I had let it get this far as to come over, make out a little and presume to be spending the night. And I really wasn't interested in having sex with him, but I just didn't have a great reason not to. Sounds horrible, because it is.

Well, I climbed in bed, we made out, and he said, “I don't think we should tonight. It doesn't feel right.”

WHATT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Yup, he's the one that didn't want to have sex. Amazing. So, we cuddled. Yup, we cuddled and this morning when I got up I did the “walk of non-shame” back to my apartment.

He seriously was just such a gentleman and now I wish I was more attracted to him. Why don't I ever like the nice ones??

Ugh, well this was totally a post that should've been in my other blog, but I still had to share.

Today I worked a double. My feet are killing me, I feel fat and my skin is breaking out. But....I get to sleep as late as I desire tomorrow morning. Or at least until my downstairs neighbors decided to have a party at 6:30am, like they did the other day...seriously.

Something I learned today: I've thought about it and I really don't want a boyfriend right now. I'm super single and I kind of want to stay that way.

Cowabunga dudes!!

Sat-is-fac-tion

September 23, 2009.

Today was wonderful! I got up early, had some breakfast, watched “Regis and Kelly”, which I haven't done in years! Then I headed for the valley and my second meeting with York. It really inspired me!

Last night before bed, I re-read a play that I had written while living in NYC and it inspired me to write some more. I'm going to use a scene from the play as part of my reel with York, which is pretty damn cool if you think about it. I wrote it and am going to not only have it be videotaped, but get to perform one of the characters.

Well, anywho, I was extremely inspired and also wrote a monologue, which led me to an idea for a movie script a la 'Best in Show', mocumentary style. I just feel like my creative juices are flowing and I feel like in the next two months, I am going to accomplish more than I thought possible.

After our meeting, which left me beaming, I headed to class. Now, earlier this morning, I was dreading the thought of performing my scene in class today, but then I just kept going over it in my head, thinking, “Why the hell not?” So, me and my scene partner decided to go for it! Dare to fail gloriously!

That is what we did, except we didn't quite fail. Our teacher said, “Really nice work.” Which is what she says only when she feels you put the effort and rehearsal time in and made bold choices.

Yay!! I'm very proud of us! It felt great to go up there and shine, even just for a moment. Then it was back to the nit picking and telling us what we did wrong and how we need to go about fixing it. But, she was still very happy with us, which was all we were looking for. Validation from our teacher.

Then, still on a high from acting class and a great meeting with York, I headed to work in the Oaks. It was fairly dead, but I was determined to make some dough. I put all my positive energy into making money tonight and although I didn't make the most I've ever made on a wednesday night, I still made enough to purchase some groceries.

Now, I have milk, bacon, eggs and waffles and I'm a happy camper.

I just feel so creatively fulfilled tonight and I hope that I'm able to sleep, but I do want to let all my ideas flow so that I don't forget anything important before I go to bed!

I work tomorrow at the new restaurant, which I'm pretty darn tootin' psyched for. How wonderful to not have to drive my car all the way up to the valley, but just take a short five minute walk down the street and make some moolah. Pretty Sweet.

Damn. Life is good. I'm really happy. I hope I always can remember what it feels like to be satisfied with life. This is it.

Romeo, no romeo...

September 22, 2009.

What was new and exciting about today? Well, I learned a very valuable lesson about being honest with my sexual partners...one of my friends had a pretty bad STD scare and it kind of was a huge wake up call for me to ask lots and lots of questions and maybe even request paperwork before jumping into bed with Romeo.

But, thank God, after two short hours at Planned Parenthood, it turned out to be nothing more than a strange allergic reaction. We did a victory dance in the hallway of the clinic and vowed to be better to our bodies.

Walked to the Farmer's Market with Lacey when I got home and bought some most amazing tzatziki and some bruschetta and feta and sun dried tomatoes. Delicious!

Rehearsed my scene for class today. My lovely scene partner came all the way out here to rehearse with me. So nice of her! I wasn't planning on ever making anyone come all this way. I feel like we had a rather productive rehearsal, but am not sure if I feel ready to perform tomorrow in class. I really wanna blow my teacher away, I'm just not quite sure how to!

But, I'm trying!!

I feel as though I accomplished a lot today. I wrote a list out last night and I crossed off pretty much every thing except the last item, which was: Write Something Magical.

Well, that was a pretty big to do on my to do list, so naturally it hasn't gotten done yet, but I did my laundry and went for a run...that has to count for something!

I always feel somewhat unsettled with down time. I'm never quite sure what to do with it. I always try to be uber productive, but somehow end up feeling bored and lazy.

Tomorrow is the start of my out of control life that is going to be a bit nuts for the next month, maybe two. The new restaurant opens tomorrow and this next week, I'm working ever single day either down here in M.B. or up in the Oaks, as well as class on Wednesday and possibly another class on Tuesday nights in October, then rehearsals for class, readings for class, making my reel with York, writing, rehearsals for my quartet start next week, possibly re-starting rehearsals for my improv troupe...

um can we say exhaustion by the end of the year??? I'll be lucky if I have anything left by the new year!

And maybe...time for a boyfriend in there somewhere? Ha! Who'm I kidding! People don't date out here! I haven't found a solid relationship all year, what makes me think there may be one around the corner?

I guess this was how things were meant to be. If I weren't single, I'd probably have to be after this month, because I'd have no time to spend with my lovey dovey. Sorry Romeo, go get tested for STD's and by the time you get your results and all your remedies, maybe, just maybe I'll be able to catch a movie with you!

Get Busy!

Follow Your Impulses.

September 21, 2009.

Hmm....something I did today that was new and exciting. Well, I auditioned for a reality matchmaking show. Which one? Well, I'm not at liberty to say, but I have high hopes that I might find my soulmate!

I also thought about, (and should have followed through) giving my number to the guy in the car behind me at the McDonald's drive through. I think next time I will do this. McDonald's was just too damn fast and didn't give me enough time to get my number written down. My solution? Business Cards. Done.

Alright, well, yesterday was Sunday and my mom got her homework assignment in on time. I neglected to meet the deadline and got my writing in this morning, but I still wrote...something. I'll post an excerpt from my mom's, it's a fun read:

Facebook Hippies.

“Baby Boomers have taken to Facebook like hippies to weed. They like to use it and like to share it with a group of friends. It is a frequent pastime, and nearly an addiction to many that are mid-, even post-, middle age. What’s the need being filled by Facebook for this group?

When life is closer to the end than the beginning, looking back is a natural thing to do. We are taking an assessment of where we are, how closely we’ve achieved the goals and dreams of our youth, and how we compare with other people.  Before Facebook, comparisons were limited to the friends, family, and former neighbors and classmates with whom we’d stayed in touch or had run into at the class reunion.  It was one of the main reasons to go to your class reunion. “See what’s become of” your old boyfriend, the class clown, and that girl whose family moved away the week after graduation. Look around and see who has aged more rapidly than you have, and be sure to take the camera!  Another important reason to get yourself to a reunion every 5 or 10 years was to brag. Show off your still-youthful figure. Introduce your handsome husband and break out the pictures of your adorable children.  Find a way to bring up your offspring’s accomplishments, awards, brilliance, and amazingly cute quips. Answer the question “What are you doing now?” with feigned humility as you puff up your résumé a bit (or a lot).  The traditional class reunion has always filled a real need in the hearts and minds of Americans as they emotionally process the decades passing.”

Let me know what you think and I promise, when I start writing things that I'm more proud to share I will share them! Mark my words!

Off to Santa Monica this evening to see one of the lovely ladies I'm in a quartet with, perform at a local bar. Lacey's joining me. I'm looking forward to it! For once, I'm going out to support a female friend, rather than going out to potentially get laid. Nice change of pace...

Be Bold.

September 20, 2009.

I'm taking a cue from my roomie, Lacey and being more adventurous with my phone. I'm getting braver at answering numbers and calling people that before, I would just ignore.

Do you have an irrational fear of the telephone like I do? I don't where it stems from, but since childhood I've always been a bit weird with the phone. I'm just not a phone person. I can have great conversations with almost anyone, face to face, but when it comes to the phone, my heart starts pounding, my palms get sweaty and most often I take the easy way out by ignoring it.

Today though, I answered a call from a guy we had met a few weeks ago at a bar down here in Manhattan. He was very sweet and him and his friend had invited the three of us to join them the next time they head down to the Standard in Downtown. So, we exchanged numbers in hope of hanging out again. He called a few days after and I was working so I didn't get the call. I decided about a week later that I wanted him to know it had been an accident that I missed his call, so that he wouldn't think i'm just “one of those girls”. This time, I got his voice mail.

Today he called me back to let me know he wasn't ignoring me either and we should definitely hang soon. Very, very sweet. And that was that. He wasn't pushy or trying real hard to make plans, just clearing the air.

Then this guy we all know from work was apparently hanging out at the beach today, the same one Lacey and I happened to be at, so Nikki, text me his number and told us he wanted us to call so that we could meet up.

Now, we've never hung out with this guy, outside of work before, but he's lost so many braincells from partying that it cracks us up to hear the way he speaks. So, without hesitation, I dialed his number and had one of the most entertaining conversations I've had with someone in a very long time.

We didn't end up meeting up, but it sure was fun chatting with him!

I never would have had those two conversations today if it hadn't been for Lacey's influence. She's so spontaneous and carefree when it comes to talking to people on the phone. I love that aspect of her personality and I hope to become more like that!

Today, was a great day. Tomorrow, I have two auditions and rehearsal for class. I'm stoked and exhausted and have less than 7 hours of sleep ahead of me. So adieu my friends, more tomorrow!

I like to lie...

September 19, 2009.

One thing I've learned about myself tonight: I love to lie. Ok, well, not so much lie, as create alternate lives for myself. Tonight, at Rocco's up in Studio City, I was 'Matt', which is not short for anything, and I'm from Louisville (pronounced Looovaulle), Kentucky, where the weather is similar to California, but has a bit more change of seasons (as if I know). And the reason I decided to leave was because during one of the political campaigns a few years back I couldn't stand how racist the politicians were being in order to get votes. How revolting!

Ha, it just comes so easily to me, it's kind of scary. But, it's such a great acting exercise and I enjoy it so much. Until, I feel like I actually like the people I'm talking to, then I worry that, uh-oh, I've already dug my hole this deep...how do I begin to climb out of it?

I literally worked ALLL day...I started down here in Manhattan, the new restaurant is opening this wednesday, so our insane, out of touch with reality owner wanted people there all day to hand out samples of ribs. Woohoo! So from noon to 4pm, I was there doing busy work and offering free ribs to anyone who dared stick their head in to check out the new place. It was actually quite fun because everyone who stopped was so damn friendly! I love when people introduce themselves and don't just treat you like you're beneath them because you're a waitress. People in M.B. were mad cool today!

Then I drove 45 min up to the Oaks to work my actual serving shift. It was ok, I made pretty decent money (thank God). I'm finally out of the hole I was sinking into with acting class, rent, gas money, etc. I'm back to being able to actually save and not worry about how much I spend on dinner. It's a nice feeling.

I got to work with Nikki and Lacey tonight, so we decided since we were all up there at the same time we might as well hit up Rocco's. Our beloved bar. It was a blast. I was DD (but I let myself have two beers when we got there, and then spent the rest of the evening sobering up).

Um...it was a good time. It made me feel attractive. It made me feel intelligent. It made me feel like I'm finally making smarter decisions in my life. Had some good conversation with old friends, had some good conversation with new friends. Left before anyone had too much of a good thing. Tipped our server real well, she's the best and deserves it! She was so grateful. I love people like that, especially in L.A. She actually gave her number to us because we told her we want to hang with her sometime when she's not working. She gave us the nicest compliment I think we could've gotten tonight.

Lacey noticed her talking to a guy at the bar and was reading her lips. She was telling him, “Those girls are great, they always come and have such a good time without creating drama and getting out of control.”

And that, in a nutshell, is what we do! That is why I love us. The end.

All By Myself...And Happy.

September 18, 2009

Things I learned today:

I don't like working the day shift. It's uber, super, duper boring and you make no tips.
Vitello's is a delicious and fairly reasonably priced restaurant (huh, who knew? I'd never been there before).
Apparantly, I radiate beauty (says the middle aged guy I served today while he ate lunch with his mom).
And...I should not use eharmony or match.com because everyone on there is a liar (says the middle aged man who would not leave me alone at fedex).

I worked all day, ran errands, ate dinner at Vitello's alone...(i'm getting used to that, is that bad?), hung out with the roomies while they worked, waiting for traffic to subside so that I could make it home in reasonable timing. Worked out (yay! 30 day shred), and here I sit waiting for Nikki to get off work and come drink with me!

I booked my flight for my movie premiere which I'm totally psyched about, my mom and step-dad are coming also, which I think is super awesome! I was shocked that my step-dad agreed to come, he doesn't like traveling, so he doesn't do it often. But, the fact that he's willing to travel to see my movie means a lot to me! Not sure if my sis is coming yet, but I really do hope she does. It would be incredible to have my whole fam there to support.

And you know? I'm not even that sad that I won't be bringing a date. Why bring someone with me that's not gonna be around in a couple of years and just make me sad when I look back on pictures of that happy moment in my life? No need!

Alright, well...i find myself alone often and I suppose I'm getting used to it. I was thinking the other day about when, ehem, I'm a big, famous movie star, maybe I'll never bring a date to red carpet events. I'll either bring family or my best girlfriend.

What things do you like to do alone?

Sunrise and Echigo

September 17, 2009.

Feelin' a little buzzed...and likin' it! Just went to the sushi place across the street with Lacey and enjoyed a rather large beer and a rather small sushi roll. Still hungry.

Let's see. Today was quite exciting! I found out that the horror movie I worked on over a year ago now is finally making it's premiere in Illinois! I'm so stoked and I called my mom, because she told me that whenever it premiere's she would like to be there with me. I'd like that too. So, it's premiering on Oct. 30th!!!

It's too exciting! I've been wetting myself all day. Ok, well not literally, but almost. That's pretty huge. Also, another movie I worked on out here in L.A. just a few months ago is starting to be entered in the festival circuit and...um...possibly going to be sold on Amazon. Um...I may or may not tell you titles, not sure yet. I mean I'd love for you guys to check 'em both out, but that goes against my anonymity, does it not?

Alright, lets see...well today, I attempted to get up to watch the sunrise, but I was feeling a bit too sleepy to actually get out of bed, so I did sit up and took a look out my window. Then I felt a bit inspired so I did attempt to write something uber deep. Not sure if I succeeded, but I wrote. Then, proceeded to pass out for a couple more hours.

Hung out at the beach with Nikki and her boy until my stomach couldn't handle the “couply-ness” any longer.

Um............new and exciting things I tried today?? I tried a new beer, Echigo, at the sushi place. And let me tell you! If you haven't eaten for six hours before you drink it, then it will definitely get you drunk! It was good!

What other beers should I try??

Creativity and Self-esteem

September 16, 2009.

So, I did a few new things today. I had my first “business” meeting with my friend York today. She works with me at C's and we are both aspiring actresses. We have decided that we really want to kick our asses into gear and become successful. Our plan is to meet once a week, and have goals that we are supposed to have accomplished by the next meeting.

Since this was our first, we didn't have that much on our agenda. The first thing we decided to do was buy a book called, “The Six Pillars of Self-esteem” by Nathanial Branden. It was recommended by one of my acting coaches, because you can't really get anywhere in this business without Self-esteem. Now our goal is to read this book. I've started and just finished chapter one and yes, I do find that my self-esteem could be better...hopefully chapter 2 will help make it better! I'm not recommending the book just yet, I haven't read enough of it, but I'll keep you all posted!

Our meeting was productive. We both are at pretty much the same point and know that the next step for us is to have a reel (actor speak for short video that showcases the work you've done to send out to casting directors/agents/managers). This has been my goal all year and has been going rather slowly...so we've decided we're just gonna make it happen!

This entails us writing our own scenes, rehearsing them, staging them, finding someone to film them, edit them and then voila we have a reel! Simple...right? Well, we're gonna try to make it as simple as possible. I have faith in us!

After our meeting, I headed to class, which I haven't been to in two weeks, which felt like century. I just can't wait to dive right back in and get my ass kicked by my teacher again. Boy do I need that! (And there was absolutely no sarcasm whatsoever there, I promise!)

After class it was the usual, work, blah blah blah. But, I was very happy to be at work, seeing as I just spent over $200 on class and now am back to $0 in my bank account. Oh the life of a starving artist. I just keep thinking to the future and how sweet it will be when I'm getting those million dollar paychecks for my feature films! I just hope I don't ever take it for granted!

Another thing I decided on today was I need to start writing more. I used to be an avid reader and writer as a kid. They were my two favorite activities (I know...did someone scream dork??? Yes, I was a huge nerd, thick glasses and all). But my mom called me today and I get my writing skills from her. She's great and artistic and creative and everything I hope to be. She told me today that she wants to dedicate her mornings before work to writing and take it seriously like a second job so that maybe she can write enough to finish something worthwhile. She wants me to keep up my writing as well.

She doesn't know I blog. I just don't think she's ready for some of what I write about. But we made a deal that each week we are going to write something, anything, whatever we are inspired to write and then on Sunday Evening, we are going to send each other something we wrote that week.

I'm quite excited about this and I hope she sticks with it. Maybe this Sunday I'll have something that I wrote and something that she wrote and I'll share a bit with you all...if you're lucky!

Ok...stop reading and go do something creative!